Friday, December 31, 2010

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

2010... One year ago my friends and I made resolutions. Something more like dreams and hopes, but somehow we all got out resolutions. I'm sure you don't wanna look back on the last year of my life (well, I don't know, I enjoyed reading others a lot) But I want to. So yeah, here's 2010 in my eyes

The Bests
Birthday Parties. I went to some really fun parties this year.
Washington DC.
Girl's Camp
Youth Conference
12th Night
Valentines Dance
The day after the Valentines Dance
Running, XC all the way
Cedar City
Footlocker, California Baby
My Half Marathon
Aspen Grove
Seminary with Brother Olivas, best class ever
Summer Seminary
Hymns in the summer
Sunday School
Ingrid Michaelson concert
Carrie Underwood with Zoe

Moments and Memories
Getting my bag stuck in a locker, funny story
Dania and I laughing our heads off at Youth Conference
Hannah freaking out at me because I didn't tell her a story
Talking to my brother, twice
Dancing in the Rain with Sarah Louie Thayne
Watching Remember Me at 4AM and bawling
Midnight Monopoly, self explanatory
The Drama Hallway moment
Watching Friends with Zoe
Late night talks with Zoe in her car
When Aaron lost his pen under my tramp
Me and Braden ignoring Mady at Macy's.
Sitting in a car for like a half hour with Ben Crowley talking about life (The real, first Ben Crowley)
Sitting on a bus with Alan and Cariel listening to music for 3 hours
The Stake Dance, brownies, water and good times
The "Moaks" Song
Rocking out to music, Kelly Clarkson and Taylor Swift with Lauren and Cariel
When Gabe Davis broke a trolley window in DC
The crazy teacher "Nothing in America is higher than freedom"
Crossing the finish line at Region
Looking at my time during Murray, almost crying, shocked
Seeing Corb and the rest of Mady's family at mile 12
The finish line at my halfie
Throwing KC's pens, Financial Lit in general
Sitting in a hallway with my XC friends whistling at people blaming it on others
A 10 hour drive with Bronwen, Dania, Andrew, and Catie.
The awkward moment lights. The easy cheese. The inside jokes.
Getting everyone on the bus to watch "A Cinderella Story"
Brother Olivas and his awkward, hilarious, moments.
Testimony Meeting at Girls Camp
Singing in the locker room, basically about my love of Bronwen
Babysitting Hollin with Christian
Summer nights with "The Crew"
Dania's Car, many memories there. Talking, singing, front seat only, hahaha

How could I do it without you?
Lydia Nielsen
Lauren Faber
Emily Curtis
Mady Whitehead
Sarah Thayne
McKann Hanseen
Taylor Sorenson
Cariel Smith
Joe Roberts
Dania Frandsen
Bronwen Biddulph
Jake Knell
Aaron Wheatley
Kat Moulten
Gabe Davis
Romy Franks
Jensen Astle
Catie Brown
Carrie Jube
KC Miller
Christian Paiva
Caleb Karpowitz
Shannon Earnshaw
and many many many many more.

It wasn't the best year. It wasn't the worst. I am ready for it to be over.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011. Please be a little nicer to me.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Do You Wanna Know What Makes Me Jealous?

Ok really, this is the type of stuff that makes me so jealous- when people randomly do nice stuff for other people, like show up at their house, or buy them hot chocolate on a bad/cold day, or stuff like that. In no means, would I ever be mad at someone for getting those type of things! (So if it happens to you quite often or ever, I am not mad at you, I probably am just jealous)  That's so cute. I just envy it. I never get random visitors, or little cute nice things. I don't know how many people actually do get that type of stuff. It may be a small handful or a large net-full of people. It doesn't matter how many, I am never one of them. Lately, I feel like the forgotten one. Well, that's probably because I am the forgotten one. That's hard for me, really really hard. I used to be the life of the party, I used to truly be liked by people. But then one day, that was over. Gone. Now I am just a girl in the corner of the party, if I am even there. The other day, I spent the afternoon with some of my oldest, best friends. I went inside and bawled. Why? I just realized they live a perfectly fine life without me, while I am miserable, alone and really sad. Bawled, me. Crying. I used to never cry. But lately I cry all the time. I am so lonely, all the time.  It's partly my fault, I made choices, and now I suffer the consequences. Everyone just sees the fake smiles and thinks I am happy. It has been a rough year, I hope to soon forget.

"A long December, and there is reason to believe, maybe this year will be better then the last"
Thank you Counting Crows.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I Miss You...

Long Hair, I miss you.
Please grow back so I can curl you all pretty again

 Story time, in April, one day I went home and told my mom to chop off all my hair. I was upset with someone. Seriously Mayson? You are so dumb. You got mad at someone and didn't want to be able to curl your hair anymore so you chopped it off? Yes, seriously, I did that. Am I upset about that? Yes I am. I just do not like my hair this length. Look at how long it was at Valentines!! It will not be that long at the next dance! (If I go that is, I hope so). Well Mayson, you have concluded one thing right? Never chop your hair off because you are mad at a boy, it simply is not worth it.

Cheesy? I'd Say So...

Sometimes McKann and I hang out all day. We take pictures in a secret ally way, by this big truck? thing, play Just Dance 2, record hilarious videos on my computer, and talk. Then we call Joe. Then Joe and Tay come over. We go to Borders. Then we banana-gram it up. Then, the best activity of all- looking up break up quotes. So stinking hilarious. (If you wanna be entertained go here or look at Joe Robert's FB wall, we posted a bunch on there)

We have fun ok?

Monday, December 27, 2010

I think I wanna marry you...

Ok really, sometimes I wish I could get married. Like  a lot. 

It's not like there is anyone in particular I want to marry. I just love the idea of getting married. Ok I know- I am only 17. I don't want to get married soon. But let's look at life here for a sec. I am a junior in high school. (the year is half way over) Then I have senior year. Then college. And from there, you never know. All of my friends say I will be the first to get married because of a couple of things. 1. They think I will seek it out (ok I might..) and 2. I will probably go to BYU, find some guy, and call it good. 

Can I just say, I don't really care if that happens? I kinda like that idea. Sure its cliche. Sure I wanna be young and married. I just really love the idea of getting married. Not too young though, 20 min. 

 Marriage is great. It really is. You know what song makes me wanna be married? "Can't Help Falling In Love" (Ingrid Michaelson version) 

Sure, say it brings on problems and difficulties. But life always will. Why live it single when you can have someone there with you? 

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Love Vigilantes, Thank You Iron and Wine.

I have a new favorite song. My friend showed it to me last year, but I didn't like it that much. Then I was listening to Pandora and a flood of memories came back, the song came on. It's such a sad song, it really is, but I like it a whole lot. 

Oh, I've just come from the land of the sun
From a war that must be won in the name of truth
With our soldiers so brave, your freedom we will save
With our rifles and grenades and some help from God

You just can't believe the joy I did receive
When I finally got my leave and I was going home
Oh, I flew through the sky and my convictions could not lie
For my country I would die and I will see it soon

When I walked through the door my wife she laid upon the floor
And with tears her eyes did soar, I did not know why
Then I looked into her hand and I saw the telegram
Said that I was a brave, brave man but that I was dead

I want to see my family
My wife and child are waiting for m
I've got to go home
I've been so alone, you see

To The Random Girl Who Commented On My Blog...

Dear Girl, 

Here's the thing,  I hope everything works out okay. I hope that whatever you choose to do works out for the better and that you can be happy. Happiness is the best part of life. What get's me through the rough times, are the times when I can feel pleasure once again, even if it is just a moment. The thing about life is- the storms come, but they also pass. Remember that everything happens for a reason. I promise you that everything will get better eventually. 

Love, Mayson 

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Everyone is blogging about Christmas... So I will too!

Merry Christmas to everyone!!

Chrismas Eve, Santa always brings us magic pj's. Maddox, my 6 year old brother, cried, and cried, and cried, scared of Santa- so freaking funny.

Let's be honest here- I was up 2, 3, 4, maybe even 5 times last night anticipating the morning to come. Walker, my 7 year old brother, wanted me to sleep with him in his room, so I did. He fell off the bed in the middle of the night, it was hilarious.

I lied in bed excited, but being 17, I couldn't bring myself to be the first one up. So I just laid in bed waiting for Puff Puffs, my 6 year old sister (really named Warner), to say something. Moments later I hear, Santa came!!

We rushed downstairs to see what was there. My stocking was filled with greatness- post it notes (KC calls me the queen of post its), bobby pins, rubber bands two sharpie pens and more. (BEST INVENTION EVER)

Then we opened presents. Everyone was excited and having fun. (Until the end when Walker got balloon animals and Maddox didn't and Mad started throwing everything and crying hahaha)

My favorite presents? My laptop :) (no I am not that spoiled, it was my dad's old one, his work got him a brand new one) But it's a mac laptop, and therefore I love it. Plus my dad kept it in great shape. New running shoes (asics even!!) except they are a size too small so I am going to exchange them Monday. My sister (who is the best) got me Despicable Me. (my new favorite movie!) I also got a calendar with pictures of Jesus on them. Let me just say, I got everything I could ask for and more. (Except the dishwasher, but its ok, I can live without it) As a family we got Just Dance 2 for the Wii. I say I have a party with that thing, it is too fun.

Next thing to do? Go to Sundance for lunch, yummy!!

Then come 4:00, MISSIONARY TIME!!! I am so excited to talk to my brother, he gets home in 6 months. I love him so much. It is honestly my favorite part of Christmas to get to talk to him! YAY!!!


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Realities I Learned from Wicked

I have always had a special love for Wicked the Musical. I used to be obsessed about it. It was ALL I thought about. I always dreamed the impossible dream (Man of La Mancha anyone? haha) of going to Oz. Elphaba was quite literally my best friend. (hey, I was a lonely kid, don't poke fun) I sang, and danced to Wicked all day, everyday. Recently, I rediscovered my love for Wicked as I go through a similar phase in my life. Sometimes life is lonely. Sometimes there is no one there for you. These are the days that remind me of Wicked.

So here goes the "Realities I Learned from Wicked"

"Isn't it nice to know that good will conquer evil?"
--Good will win in the end. It's as simple as that.

"They reap only what they've sown"
-- I have always loved the idea of you get what you put into life.

Song- "The Wizard and I"
-- I learned that everything you want to happen could possibly happen, just not in the way you thought it would.

Song- "What is This Feeling?"
--People don't always have the best first impression of you.

"The trouble with schools is- they always try to teach the wrong lessons."
--The things you learn in high school (for the most part) are not as important as the things you experience.

"I say, Why invite stress in?"
--I love this idea. I stress way too much about everything. What's the point of inviting it into our lives?

"It's just life, so keep dancing through"
--I worry about everything. I need to not do that so much, and just enjoy myself a little more.

"And the strange thing, your life could end up changing while your dancing through"
--Kind of like the previous one, life can change if you loosen up a bit.

Song- "I''m not that girl"
--It doesn't matter how much you love him, it doesn't matter if he is the one, sometimes you are not the one for him.

"Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are"
--This one is sad. Sometimes we get so caught up in day dream we forget who we truly are.

"Every so often we long to steal to a land of what-might-have-been but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in"
--This one is one of my favorites. Yeah sure, we can think about things of the past as if they could be things of the future or we say to ourselves "If I only would/n't have done that" but the thing is, that doesn't help us once we remember the way life is.

"I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game"
--Times in life, we forget how we originally wanted to run the show. We end up living our lives for other people, and the way they desire and not ourselves.

"I'm through accepting limits, 'cause someone says they're so, somethings we cannot change but til I try, I'll never know"
--People bring us down. People tell us what is possible and not. Don't tell me, I have to try to know.

"Too long I have been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost"
-- I love this one a lot. I hold on to people because I care, but some day I need to accept that things have changed and they will never be the same.

"Simply couldn't be happier, well not simply, cause getting your dreams, its strange but it seems a little more complicated."
--Getting what you want in life, comes at the cost of other things, it's not easy.

"There are bridges you crossed, you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed"
--This is probably my favorite line from the whole play. Especially right now in my life. People come and go. Sometimes because of problems or moving away or something. Sometimes though because you fade from their lives.

"My road of good intentions led where such roads always lead"
--Sometimes no matter how hard you try to be good and nice, it doesn't matter to those around you and its simply not enough.

"People come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn"
--First of all, this is among my favorite songs ever. This line has helped me over the past years. People aren't just there to be people. We have them for reasons and to help us.

"We are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return"
--Note, If we let them.

"Who can say if I have been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good"
-- This makes me think of a lot of people. This song makes me think a lot about who has come in my life. Lauren Faber, Lydia Nielsen, Emily Curtis, Macall Weight, Emily Clark, Wendy Nelson, Jamie Peterson, Mady Whitehead, Christian Paiva, Sarah Thayne, Hannah Morley, Ryley Yarro, McKann Hanseen, Dania Frandsen, and Jake Knell. The people who have been my best, the best of the best friends, to me throughout my life. Sadly, I am not friends with all of these people anymore. Sadly, my relationships with pretty much everyone on this list of people has changed. Sadly, I don't even know who to call a best friend anymore. But one thing I know, in the last 12 years, these people have shaped who I am. These people have helped me grow and developed into who I have and will become. There have been times when I have lost myself and they have helped me find "me" again. I love them all for reasons or another. I thank them all for the countless things they have done for me. I don't think they will ever understand where I would be without them. Some made small impacts, others changed my whole life. But because I knew all of these people, I have been changed for good.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Snow is falling everywhere

I love the snow! Usually I hate it, but it was so fun yesterday. (which reminded me I do like it)

After school, Sarah, Lydia, Mady and I went sledding at the park. We picked a spot no one had been yet, which meant work for us. Fun, exhausting work. The snow was so deep and fun.

Then I went to Lydia's and watched "The Grinch", well kinda. We basically just fell asleep and didn't watch it. CF came in, and we were all dead asleep on the couch. :) Sorry Chrystalyn.

I went home for a little.

Then I went to Ali Harrison's party. That was splendid. It was weird to be with people again, I feel like I have socially stopped existing. I was with Joe for some of it. Then I decided to join Henry and Wendy by jumping in the snow with no shoes on. Fun stuff. We are crazy.

Then I went to Old Navy with Chrystalyn. I found the cutest coat. Yay!! I loved it. $30. It was originally $100! AHH!! I LOVE IT.

The only thing I don't like about snow right now, is driving. It scares me!

I am excited for more fun adventures this winter break!

Today I have a family party at the most fun cabin ever!! :) (reminds me of Thanksgiving break last year!!)

Then tomorrow I have this thing that Me, Macall, Emily, Lauren and Lydia have done every year since who knows, 8th grade, where we exchange gifts and get together. We haven't in so long so I am excited to get my best friends back. :)

Christmas Eve, Christmas. Fun stuff. Sundance lunch. YUM!!

Next week, who knows? Party for sure!!!


Monday, December 20, 2010

let the love begin, everybody wants to love

I love Ingrid. That was easily the best concert I went to. :)

I love music in general. It easily potrays how someone feels.

I love happy music. Songs that you can't help but smile while listening. Songs that make you day dream and take you away from reality. Such as Five Years Time by Noah and the Whale, or Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson.

I love sad songs. Songs that remind you of the past. Songs that the message aren't necessarily sad with lyric, but with memories. (sometimes they are they lyrics, but sometimes not) Such as (in my case) I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis, or All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera or Such Great Heights by Iron and Whine. (The Postal Service is sad to me too)

I love cute love songs. Songs about how the boy loves the girl, and the girl loves the boy and everything is handy dandy. Such as Long Live by Taylor Swift, The Way You Look Tonight by Tony Bennett or Can't Help Falling in Love, by many, but I especially LOVE the Ingrid Michaelson version.

I love the sad love songs. Songs where it didn't work out and someone is hurt. Such as Last Kiss by Taylor Swift, or The Story of Us by Taylor Swift, or Breakeven by The Script or Back to December by Taylor Swift.

I love songs that remind me of places. Songs that bring back good memories and fun times. Such as Hey Soul Sister by Train or She Doesn't Get It by the Format or Whip My Hair by Will Smith's Daughter.

I love songs that remind me of people. Songs that I remember singing with friends, family or random people. Such as The Rearranger by Mate of States or I'd Lie by Taylor Swift, or American Pie by Don McLean.

I love songs that are hopeful. Songs that make you feel like there may be a chance. Such as Enchanted and Speak Now by Taylor Swift.

I love songs that stab people in the back. Songs that are hurtful. I know its completely rude, but they are so clever. Such as Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri or Mean by Taylor Swift.

I love music with amazing lyrics. Songs that speak the truth or are beautiful. Such as Bigger Than Love by My Favorite Highway or For Good from Wicked or Woman in Chains

Oh my I love music.

My favorite songs... (I can't pick)

There are always songs of the moment.
-Five Years Time by Noah and the Whale
-Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
-Speak Now by Taylor Swift
-Enchanted by Taylor Swift
-Long Live by Taylor Swift


Then there are those songs you never get sick of, songs that are favorites for a while
-Bigger Than Love by My Favorite Highway
-Woman In Chains by Tears for Fears
-Collide by Howie Day
-For Good from Wicked
-Famous Last Words by Tears for Fears

I love music.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

there was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy...

Moulin Rouge anyone? Great music.

Ok but really, there is a boy.

He is such a great kid. I love him dearly. He makes me very happy. Find me a boy who can quote my favorite movies with me. Find me a boy who can sing all my favorite songs by heart. Find me a boy who can talk to me about whatever. Find me a boy who is so dang cute. Oh wait, I found that. Now I challenge you to find me someone better. You won't. Not anytime soon at least. I am so glad me and this boy are friends. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world even knowing him.

The End.

Ugly Sweater Stag

Um... let me just say, that was the best night I have had in a LONG time.

Thanks to great friends, Lydia Nielsen, Chrystalyn Finch, and Emily Curtis.

Boys. (need I say more?!?!)



And 2 whole points.

I love nights like this. :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light

"I'm grateful that God allows tragedies and trials to occur in our lives. Not because they are easy, or because they're desired, but because they help us to love"

If this man can forgive, so can I.

Sometimes we have to deal with things that don't seem fair. Sometimes we have a hard time forgiving people of things they did- days, weeks, months, years ago. Sometimes we just can't let go. But the moments where we show true love, true Christlike attitudes, are when we forgive anyway. Despite the fact that they don't come out and apologize, despite the fact that they don't care about the way we hurt, despite the fact that they should be there, should have been there and won't be there, we should forgive. We are all human. We all mess up. But if we want a little forgiveness (or even a lot of forgiveness), we must forgive everyone. It's not always easy, but it is always worth it.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Something I Shouldn't Have EVER Learned

Logical Fallacies make it almost impossible to get along with my parents.

Wasn't it hard enough as it was before I learned about these?

I like to argue. If you know me, you know that. I get that FROM my parents. But if I argue, that's wrong to them. Sit there and take it. Sit there and let me yell at you but if you yell back, you are grounded forever. Well, I learned that from someone obviously.


EVERY argument we get in, their reasons are ALL logical fallacies. Yeah, I'm a teenager so sometimes we are BOTH wrong. But the thing is, they are ALWAYS wrong.

I wish I could call them out on it. But first of all, they would have NO idea what I am talking about. Second, if I explained it, they would be mad I would ever say that to them.

They drive me crazy.

I love them, they do a lot for me, but they just need to figure out how to make me want to do stuff besides "because I said so" and "because I'M THE PARENT". To me, it's pointless. Those arguments just make me more mad.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm a Jerk

Today, I realized it. Why didn't anyone tell me?

Well it started in English when we were talking about public humiliation, we went on and on about how it's wrong.

But then I thought, aren't blogs basically publicly humiliating people if you post stuff about them on it?
I am overly guilty of this crime. I'm a jerk.
I just always justify with "No one reads my blog" or "Well, it's the truth" or "I want to express myself"

But the fact is, I have done just what we were talking about in class.

What if he had a post about all the things I did? What would we say?

He'd probably call me heartless- - because I was to him.
He'd probably say I flirt with everyone.
He'd say I argue about everything.
He'd say that I am the queen of saying hurtful things. (which, sadly I have said the worst things to him, things I should never had said)
He'd probably talk about how crazy I am.

I wonder if he would say anything nice. Probably not.

I could say nice things about him. I am sure I do sometimes.

My nice list....
He is easy to talk to.
He is decent looking.
He can answer my questions about the church.

Sadly, thats about all I can think of.

Like I said, I am a jerk.

Then as I thought about it, someone told me about his lead in the school play. Of course I couldn't just be nice and happy for him-- I was mad. I am required to go to the dumb thing for drama. I hate how everything in the school year is scheduled the same year after year. I don't need to relive everything.

So yeah, I am a jerk.

I am sorry for being a jerk. I will work harder to be nicer. I know that I can be nicer if I tried harder.

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Favorite Place in the Whole Wide World

I love Washington DC.

I do.

And guess what? I am going there.

You know it.

I can't wait til March.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

This Guilt Consumes Me

I never knew loving him hurt someone so bad.

This is the "You Belong With Me" type of hurt that I hate hate hate, double hate, loathe entirely, feeling. This is the type of hurt, no girl deserves to feel. Boys shouldn't lead on 5 million girls at once. Even if they are just being your friend, it hurts. Boys shouldn't say someone is important to them if they just say the same thing to another girl, 5 minutes after the other girl is gone. Boys are dumb. Especially him.

The thing is, I understand how it hurts to watch him love someone else. The crap he feeds her is unfair. I know it's crap, because he said the exact same things to me.

What's worse? Never hearing the lie for yourself, or hearing it everyday for 6 months and believing it? I honestly cannot pick.

It's true, almost all my favorite songs remind me of him. It's true, I never could wear heels around him. It's true, he does only care about the stupid girl of his life. It's true, you are stuck up. Everything she said was true.

But the fact is, we were both victims of his sick love game.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I lose myself in a daydream...

Today I caught myself daydreaming. It was magical. It was about the date of my dreams. (Actually quite literally haha) It went something like this...

The boy (who I might add, the boy of my dreams, may be perfect, so cute, good, yeah...) picks me up. He meets my ever so awkward dad, promises to get me home at a reasonable hour and escorts me to the car- not to be a gentleman really at first, but more like to make me laugh and make sure I don't slip, so the funny guy turns into a gentleman just like that.

As we go, I say hello to those in the back (whoever they may be) and we turn on the music. It's Taylor Swift of course, both of our favorites. We drive to Salt Lake. Singing along to the tunes that make me think of him, laughing, talking, enjoying the 45 minutes to our destination.

We arrive. The lights are gorgeous. We take the time to notice the beautiful trees. Then we admire the temple. We stand there forever. Adoring every moment. Time stands still. Then, the cute and wonderful boy stops and asks stranger for a photo. Although we are both bundled because of the cold winter night, the picture actually turns out perfect. (...and in my fantasy, he goes home and makes it his profile picture, teases me to copy him, and so I do). We get some hot chocolate and continue on with the date. He isn't afraid to hold my hand. He just does. (And if I could figure out some point of the night that we could cuddle, we would. But I can't think of something... if you have any ideas, help me out) We walk around Salt Lake, just chatting, almost forgetting the others are there. We still have a good time with the other couple but keep getting left behind. We flirt, we just truly enjoy the night on the town.

As we drive home, we finish the Taylor Swift CD, and just talk about stuff. I don't know, everything. The four of us laugh, and enjoy the long ride home. He drops off the others first. He does this purposely, he wants to be alone. But he is not the kind of boy who wants to be alone because he is a boy, he wants to be alone because he is a man. The difference, he just wants to talk, not make out.

So we pull up at my house. He escourts me to the door. (again). He looks me in the eyes to show that what he is about to say, truly means something to him. He calls me by name and says, "Mayson, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you." I laugh. Taylor Swift of course. I reply, "Hey [boy] I was enchanted to meet you" He laughs this time. Then he goes, "But really, this is one of the best dates I have ever had. Thanks for coming with me" I thank him for taking me. He then gives me a good, long (but not too long) hug,. As we are about to leave, I look up at him. I give him the mayson look, then he leans in and kisses me. But not like a kiss because he likes me, just a peck to end the night perfect. It's a small, soft kiss, the type that I never mention to people (except like my 5 best friends), or to each other ever again. I know that it is just a kiss because he enjoyed the night, not because he wants to commit, or marry me, and I love that. Not because I am a slut, it's not a meaningless kiss, it is just a "Thank You Kiss" He gives me one last hug, and we say goodbye.

The after math, I walk in the house doing the silent scream of happiness and joy. Of course I call someone, who?, depends on the day. Spazz out and dance around to a Taylor Swift song we sang together that night.

I want to die because it was the best night ever.

And I am in love, happy as can be.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


You’ve been my golden best friend now with post-demise at hand, can’t go to you for consolation Cause we’re off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelm me. It burns in my stomach, and I can’t stop bumping into things. I thought we’d be simple together. I thought we’d be happy together. Thought we’d be limitless together. I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken. You’ve been my soulmate and mentor. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you, I knew god’s face was handsome . With you, I suffered an expansion. This loss is numbing me; it pierces my chest, and I can’t stop dropping everything I thought we’d be sexy together. Thought we’d be evolving together. I thought we’d have children together . I thought we’d be family together. But I was sadly mistaken. If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared- If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented- If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air- My wealth would render this no less severe. I thought we’d be genius together. I thought we’d be healing together. I thought we’d be growing together. Thought we’d be adventurous together.But I was sadly mistaken. Thought we’d be exploring together. Thought we’d be inspired together. I thought we’d be flying together. Thought we’d be on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken