Friday, August 24, 2012

hope for a badman

The world is a much bigger place than we ever imagine. It's actually quite ridiculous how much time I  spent worrying about what the football player ever thought about me. It's quite ridiculous I spent two and a half years getting over Jake Knell. Just one freaking boy in the whole wide world. It's quite ridiculous I ever gave a damn about what one person at Timpview High School ever thought about me. Honestly, the life I lived in high school was quite ridiculous. I was so consumed in who was dating who, where everyone was going, what my big plans were for Friday night. 

It's amazing to me how living on my own for a week has changed my perspective on everything. Because at the end of the day, my life is freaking MINE. Not anyone else's. And I have a heck of a lot to learn, I am far from the person I want to be. I have dreams of my own and I am letting NO ONE stop me from making them come true. 

Go ahead, judge me. Go ahead, tell me what I am doing is not right for me. I honestly could not care less what anyone in this world thinks about me. I'm perfectly happy with who I am and who I am choosing to be. Sure, I've got a lot of flaws. I work every day on them. Wanna know something funny? I'm very aware of my flaws and I will work on them one at a time. No need to remind me that I am not perfect. 

My dreams are above Timpview High School. My dreams are above Provo, UT. So instead of focusing on all of you people who tell me I can't, I'm going to concentrate on the countless people telling me that my dreams are real.  Just you watch. That's why over the last few months I have discovered my life motto.  

"Life is to short to be anything but happy"

Saturday, August 18, 2012

in my new apartment

The first thing in my shopping cart today was a 20-pack of diet coke. Ironically, I won this hat on my way out of the grocery store.

Welcome to the 408. Home sweet home.

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

your faith was strong

Aren't we 16 and heartbroken? Since when were we grown up and responsible? I can't believe this day is here. We've only talked about it a gazillion times.  He's been one of my best friends and he's been the best example to me. He honestly makes me laugh when I'm crying, He reminds me I am never alone. My heart holds a special place for this guy. Peru is lucky to have him.
"Go ye now in peace and know that the love of God will guide you, feel his presence here besides you, showing you the way. In your times of trouble, when hurt and despair are there to grieve you, know that the Lord will never leave you. He will bring your courage. Know that the God who sent his son to die that you might live, will never leave you lost and alone in his beloved world. Go ye now in peace."

I love you Elder Wheatley. Thanks for everything. And like you said, it's only two years right? 

Monday, August 13, 2012

with some indie record that's much cooler than mine

I remember when we broke up the first time
Seeing this is, and had enough, it's like
We haven't seen each other in a month
When you, said you, needed space, what?
When you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you

We called it off again last night
This time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk and my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for a screaming that I'm right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mine with some indie record that's much cooler than mine

I used to think, that we, were forever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you
And I'm like, I mean, I mean this is exhausting, you know
We are never getting back together, like ever

We are never ever ever ever getting back together.
(It's a little bit too much pop for my T. Swift but seriously? Love) 

all packed up and getting out of here

Two and a half years ago, I promised myself this would never be my home.
I hated every bit of my life, bitter and angry, I told myself I'd never accept this place.
I was embarrassed about the move, I was ashamed of my parents, I was upset.
8 months of construction followed. 
The worst 8 months of my life.
Our whole main floor was being torn about with my mom's own two hands.
7 of us were crammed in 3 rooms, no kitchen, hardly any money to our name.
I felt alone and bitter. This place could never be my home.
It was hell.

I look around at my half packed room, clothes all over the floor.
I still don't have carpet installed and I haven't had closet doors since we moved in.
My walls are painted half blue and the air conditioning doesn't function properly.
The toilet in my bathroom is still hideous pink and the boys still haven't learned how to flush it.
I laugh each time I remember we still don't have a railing and we have a broken baby gate so Maddox doesn't fall down the stairs when he sleep walks.

This place is far from perfect but it is everything my home is.

Home is coming home from a long day of school and activites and having Puffy greet me with a hug.
Home is the countless hours I've spent listening to music while doing the dishes.
Home is a skate ramp in my garage because that's just the way my dad is.
Home is stickers on my door and writing that says "Maddox" all over it.
Home is the annoyance that my TV always has to be on during family dinner.
Home is rushing to get the perfect Sunset photo at 7:45.
Home is loud. Crazy loud. One million little people, big people, all over the place, going and going.
Home is the leftover Little Caesars boxes and Wills Pit Stop Cups all over the place.

I've been so excited for freedom.
No more doing dishes for 8 million, or arguing with my parents.
No more little kids yelling at me or watching dumb tv shows or babysitting.
Freedom. I get to do what I want when I want.

Nothing breaks my heart more than saying goodbye to home.
I can't imagine what it is going to be like to not see punk Maddox every day or Walker saying something ridiculous like "I'm not sitting down, I'm kneeing" No, not kneeling, kneeing.
And don't get me started on Puffy.
She's my little best friend. I love her more than anything I can explain.
Little Puffers has been through a lot for an 8 year old and I just see this amazing human being she is going to grow up into.
I love the way she youtubes Primary songs and asks me to read the scriptures to her.
She has the most special spirit I've ever seen in a person.
Truth of the matter is, these kids have been my best friends for almost ten years.
These kids are my home.
They are my everything.
And it breaks my heart to know I won't be around as much.
I'm going to miss their daily innocent laughs and the silly things they say.

I'm saying goodbye to home so I can make my dreams into reality and grow up. It's time. I'm ready. Four days from now I'll be out. I'll be free. It's all I've ever wanted.

"Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true, well isn't it?"

If that's the case, why am I bawling my eyes out? 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

blue skies are calling

"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state's of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."

(this scene breaks my heart on so many levels) 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

i'm a sorry sucker

I just did something slightly disgraceful. 

I just applied for 6 jobs at Vivint.  

Looks like I will be working there during the school year.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


If you asked me what I did this summer I'd say, "Look homeless, go to work, eat Cheetos and hang out with McKann." 
I'd also tell you I've enjoyed every moment of it.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

what's there to complain about?

I gazed at her hair, longer than mine, I wanted it.
Two days later, it was gone all of it.

One week earlier, she was at the beach with her three kids.
She lived a normal life.
Taking her kids to dance practice, and teaching them how to read. 

She seized, went to the doctor, they found a golf ball sized tumor in her brain. 
Surgery went, along with the luscious locks I desired days earlier. 
Just devastating.

Three weeks later we had our annual family reunion.
Was she going to be there?
Would she go out in public?
Everyone wondered.

But up she came with her three little kids.
Her scarves and hats came too.
She wasn't ashamed of who she was.
She wasn't defined by her looks.
And she sure as hell wasn't defeated.

This is my aunt.
She survived cancer.
Two different places in her little human body. 
Thyroid and brain.
She's been through enough.

And you know what she said to me after all this?

"Own your situation because it is what it is."