it takes a boy to live

What will be your Space Jam? 

Whatever it is, make it awesome. 

keep that breathless charm

“I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.” 

she fell in love in the first place

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

After all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

turn your back on mother nature

"Whatever happened to the good old 70's? And words like 'groovy, far out, bitchin and peace?'" 

-Timpview 1988 Yearbook

Sometimes I think I was born at the wrong time. I just want to date Jake Ryan from 16 Candles and listen to George Michael all day.  I want to wear bright colors and for some I have convinced myself  1980's Diet Coke would taste exponentially better than a can from 2012.  I wear Chuck Taylor's like nobody else's businesses. Sometimes I dream about meeting Michael Jackson and moon-walking on the moon. For some reason I get along with 40-something-year-olds better than any kid my age. I'm also pretty sure Molly Ringwald would have been my best friend back in the day.

So that's what's up with me. 

Bitchin'. 

 (Only acceptable for the WWW. had I been born 28 years earlier and if they had the WWW. back in the glory days) 

one more spoon of cough syrup

“So, this is my life. I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

the last song that i write while still in love with you

a dark world aches for a splash of the sun

I am in survival mode. I went to buy groceries and my wallet was missing somewhere in the world of Walmart. Now my food supply is shrinking. I missed class because I can't park in the parking lot at school because my pass is in said wallet and all of my money is in said wallet so I could not pay a parking ticket even if I wanted to. Plus gas is running low. I can't take the bus because my bus pass is indeed connected to my debit card which is indeed in  my wallet. I can only get $100 from my bank account because I don't have any ID because my ID is most definitely in my wallet. We'll see how long I can make this $100 last. My computer charger is broken so when I went to order a new one on Amazon and of course this one out of a million tines, they want me to verify my card number in order to purchase, so now I am computerless. I've been living off of free cookies at UVU Events (that I was most definitely not invited to, but I sneak cookies at all sorts of events: book signings, courtyard activities, new employee luncheon) and chilling in the Library so I don't have to walk home between now and work at five. I am in survival mode.

Funny, I came across this post today of all days....

"There is someone you can forgive.
There is someone you can thank.
There is someone you can serve and lift."

Life's not so bad, even in survival mode. 

hope for a badman

The world is a much bigger place than we ever imagine. It's actually quite ridiculous how much time I  spent worrying about what the football player ever thought about me. It's quite ridiculous I spent two and a half years getting over Jake Knell. Just one freaking boy in the whole wide world. It's quite ridiculous I ever gave a damn about what one person at Timpview High School ever thought about me. Honestly, the life I lived in high school was quite ridiculous. I was so consumed in who was dating who, where everyone was going, what my big plans were for Friday night. 

It's amazing to me how living on my own for a week has changed my perspective on everything. Because at the end of the day, my life is freaking MINE. Not anyone else's. And I have a heck of a lot to learn, I am far from the person I want to be. I have dreams of my own and I am letting NO ONE stop me from making them come true. 

Go ahead, judge me. Go ahead, tell me what I am doing is not right for me. I honestly could not care less what anyone in this world thinks about me. I'm perfectly happy with who I am and who I am choosing to be. Sure, I've got a lot of flaws. I work every day on them. Wanna know something funny? I'm very aware of my flaws and I will work on them one at a time. No need to remind me that I am not perfect. 

My dreams are above Timpview High School. My dreams are above Provo, UT. So instead of focusing on all of you people who tell me I can't, I'm going to concentrate on the countless people telling me that my dreams are real.  Just you watch. That's why over the last few months I have discovered my life motto.  

"Life is to short to be anything but happy"

your faith was strong

Aren't we 16 and heartbroken? Since when were we grown up and responsible? I can't believe this day is here. We've only talked about it a gazillion times.  He's been one of my best friends and he's been the best example to me. He honestly makes me laugh when I'm crying, He reminds me I am never alone. My heart holds a special place for this guy. Peru is lucky to have him.

"Go ye now in peace and know that the love of God will guide you, feel his presence here besides you, showing you the way. In your times of trouble, when hurt and despair are there to grieve you, know that the Lord will never leave you. He will bring your courage. Know that the God who sent his son to die that you might live, will never leave you lost and alone in his beloved world. Go ye now in peace."

I love you Elder Wheatley. Thanks for everything. And like you said, it's only two years right? 

all packed up and getting out of here

Two and a half years ago, I promised myself this would never be my home.
I hated every bit of my life, bitter and angry, I told myself I'd never accept this place.
I was embarrassed about the move, I was ashamed of my parents, I was upset.
8 months of construction followed. 
The worst 8 months of my life.
Our whole main floor was being torn about with my mom's own two hands.
7 of us were crammed in 3 rooms, no kitchen, hardly any money to our name.
I felt alone and bitter. This place could never be my home.
It was hell.

I look around at my half packed room, clothes all over the floor.
I still don't have carpet installed and I haven't had closet doors since we moved in.
My walls are painted half blue and the air conditioning doesn't function properly.
The toilet in my bathroom is still hideous pink and the boys still haven't learned how to flush it.
I laugh each time I remember we still don't have a railing and we have a broken baby gate so Maddox doesn't fall down the stairs when he sleep walks.

This place is far from perfect but it is everything my home is.

Home is coming home from a long day of school and activites and having Puffy greet me with a hug.
Home is the countless hours I've spent listening to music while doing the dishes.
Home is a skate ramp in my garage because that's just the way my dad is.
Home is stickers on my door and writing that says "Maddox" all over it.
Home is the annoyance that my TV always has to be on during family dinner.
Home is rushing to get the perfect Sunset photo at 7:45.
Home is loud. Crazy loud. One million little people, big people, all over the place, going and going.
Home is the leftover Little Caesars boxes and Wills Pit Stop Cups all over the place.

I've been so excited for freedom.
No more doing dishes for 8 million, or arguing with my parents.
No more little kids yelling at me or watching dumb tv shows or babysitting.
Freedom. I get to do what I want when I want.

Nothing breaks my heart more than saying goodbye to home.
I can't imagine what it is going to be like to not see punk Maddox every day or Walker saying something ridiculous like "I'm not sitting down, I'm kneeing" No, not kneeling, kneeing.
And don't get me started on Puffy.
She's my little best friend. I love her more than anything I can explain.
Little Puffers has been through a lot for an 8 year old and I just see this amazing human being she is going to grow up into.
I love the way she youtubes Primary songs and asks me to read the scriptures to her.
She has the most special spirit I've ever seen in a person.
Truth of the matter is, these kids have been my best friends for almost ten years.
These kids are my home.
They are my everything.
And it breaks my heart to know I won't be around as much.
I'm going to miss their daily innocent laughs and the silly things they say.

I'm saying goodbye to home so I can make my dreams into reality and grow up. It's time. I'm ready. Four days from now I'll be out. I'll be free. It's all I've ever wanted.

"Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true, well isn't it?"

If that's the case, why am I bawling my eyes out? 

blue skies are calling

"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state's of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."

(this scene breaks my heart on so many levels) 

what's there to complain about?

I gazed at her hair, longer than mine, I wanted it.
Two days later, it was gone all of it.

One week earlier, she was at the beach with her three kids.
She lived a normal life.
Taking her kids to dance practice, and teaching them how to read. 

She seized, went to the doctor, they found a golf ball sized tumor in her brain. 
Surgery went, along with the luscious locks I desired days earlier. 
Just devastating.

Three weeks later we had our annual family reunion.
Was she going to be there?
Would she go out in public?
Everyone wondered.

But up she came with her three little kids.
Her scarves and hats came too.
She wasn't ashamed of who she was.
She wasn't defined by her looks.
And she sure as hell wasn't defeated.

This is my aunt.
She survived cancer.
Twice.
Two different places in her little human body. 
Thyroid and brain.
She's been through enough.

And you know what she said to me after all this?

"Own your situation because it is what it is."

how bittersweet this would taste

I turned the page and wrote, I broke the rule.

He sat up in bed. I don't know how much time passed.

He wrote, Everything will be OK.

I told him OK wasn't enough.

Everything will be OK perfect.

I told him there was nothing left for a lie to protect.

Everything will be OK perfect.

I started to cry. 

It was the first time I had ever cried in front of him. It felt like making love. 

I asked him something I had needed to know since we made that first nothing place years before.

What are we? Something or nothing?

When  I said goodbye to him, before he left for the airport, I lifted his suitcase and it felt heavy.

That's how I knew he was leaving me.

I wondered if I should stop him. If I should wrestle him to the ground and force him to love me. I wanted to hold his shoulders down and shout into his face. 

"Promise me you'll take care. Promise me you'll take extra good care. I know you look both ways before you cross the street but I want you to look both ways a second time because I told you."  

all it does is slow me down

I'm secretly a hoarder. I'm the type of person who keeps every note every soul has taken their time to write me,  I have clothes from freshman year hanging in my closet, every program from every play I have gone to since I was 15, I keep everything.

Fortunately, moving causes me to desensitize myself from my past lives. As part of preparing for my new adventure,  I've been dejunking my closet,  DI-ing clothes, trashing pointless notes...letting go of my past. It's quite relieving.

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor yearn vainly for yesterdays, no matter how good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from, not be lived in" 

-Jeffrey R. Holland

So instead of packing up old artifacts, I'll box up the lessons I've learned and tow those around. I find it funny that the closer growing up gets, the scarier it is. But it's a thrill I'm ready to face. I'm excited for what the future has in store.

there's no turning back

 I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, if we let them and we help them in return and because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

 There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all of the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. 

 

 Around here however, we don't look backwards for very long, we keep moving forward. Opening new doors and trying new things because we are curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

  There are far far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

 We can't become what we need to be by remaining who we are.

Thanks Timpview, it's been a good run.

i am not the kind of girl

I'll never be that girl that blasts music at a stoplight, hops out of the car and dances. 

I always go the speed limit because I fear that the car behind me is an undercover cop. 

I do extra credit for classes I have a 95% in because I am worried my grade might drop. 

I find myself checking the oven after someone cooks in it because I am fearful it might be on and burn down my whole house. 

I prefer to sit and talk instead of go around and do silly things. 

So I'm paranoid and a little weird, I sing what I am thinking half the time and have an obsession with Sharpies. You might catch me making monkey noises and I have a loud laugh. 

That's me and that will never change.

Take me as I am, or watch me as I go.

running this town

#8- Running in General

Dania somehow convinced me to do Cross Country my junior year.  (I continued through my senior year as well) I wonder to this day how on earth she ever convinced me. Well running soon became one of my passions. Improvements were made and I earned the "Most Improved Runner" of the season. It was superb. 

 I ran 2 half marathons while I was in high school. Few things are greater than the feeling of crossing the finish line of a half marathon. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments. 

I traveled with the team and traveling with the school is the funnest thing ever. Cedar City, California and Idaho were all such different fun trips. I treasure the memories I made on each of those vacations. 

But if you asked any Timpview Cross Country runner, they would say the best thing about running cross country is the people you get to work with and how much you grow as a person through running. It's a tie between the two of them. There's no picking. I honestly loved every single girl I ran with. We bonded together through hard times and laughed at each other and did silly things. Quite frankly, I think it's the cross country kids that I might miss most about high school. They're great kids and I love them. 

"In running, it doesn't matter if you come in first, the middle of the pack or very last. You can say 'I have finished and there is a lot of satisfaction in that."

-Fred Lebow, Co-founder of NYC Marathon

nothing ever lasts forever

“Growing up is never straight forward. There are moments when everything is fine, and other moments where you realize that there are certain memories that you'll never get back, and certain people that are going to change, and the hardest part is knowing that there's nothing you can do except watch them.” 

 -Alden Nowlan

you'll never be what is in your heart

You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you.

changed for the better

Graduation is 25 days away.