Tuesday, November 30, 2010

a day in the life of a teenage girl

Woke up, fixed my hair and threw on some clothes.

Then I went to Astronomy, and Drama.

Financial Lit followed. Me and KC were "fighting" again.

Today I threw his things in the garbage can. He broke my pen.

Welcome to 2nd grade my friends.

Lunch was good. Don't you just love people that you can always ask great spiritual questions and they either know, were thinking the same thing, or have an answer? That was a good part of the day. I love the gospel. :)

Then went to SEOP's.

Then as I was walking out with Catie, Bronwen, my most favorite being ever in the world, calls me.

I go find her to find the best news of the day, SHE IS GOING TO FOOTLOCKER!!!

Did you know I freaking LOVE that girl?

As I was walking home, Caleb and Trent picked me up.

Then we went to Wal Mart.

And that is my day so far.

Now I must do my laundry.

I love you all.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Girls just use their blogs to talk about boys... I will do the same.


Moving on? Eh?

I would have to say I have definitely taken some major steps.

Like today, when I walked into to yearbook and told Mary that I didn't hate her anymore. I guess I never hated her, but I was jealous, so jealous.

(She was shocked, I laughed because she never knew of my secret jealousy hahahaha... sometimes we are all silly, just plain silly, plus apparently they are third cousins)

I said hi to him today. Usually I just walk by and pretend he is not there, like he doesn't exist, but I even said his name. And this time, he said hello back, and even said my name in return.

I didn't look at sparkly jeans today and want to throw up. I just nicely smiled as I walked out of the classroom.

He wasn't in my dream last night.

I found a Taylor Swift song that does NOT remind me of him. (That my dear followers, is an accomplishment)

I thought of another boy, for like forever. I even texted Mady about how he may be the boy of my dreams. I actually have a crush on a different boy.

I put him back in my phone as a contact. When I am mad at him, which usually indicates I secretly want him back more then anything, I delete him. ( That doesn't mean anything, I have his number memorized... lame stuff that memory of mine) But I finally decided I didn't care enough anymore and put him in my phone.

(If you wanna know what his name is, be bold enough to ask, it is funny)

And I didn't think once about last November until after lunch today, and that only lasted half a second, and I didn't think about it once until now, and it is fading, fading....

Yet, I still dedicate another post to the dumb boy.

Some day I will be past that too.

Here comes the sun... California here I come. :)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Speak NOW

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve begun to fear more than that is letting

the moment pass without saying anything.away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying

are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn’t speak up. When we didn’t say ‘I love you.’ When we should’ve said

‘I’m sorry.’ When we didn’t stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe

it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk

away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your

head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying

are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror.

Say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions

might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on

your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘I

could’ve, but it’s too late now.’

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your

turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know

what you need to say, you’ll know it.

I don’t think you should wait. I think you should

speak now.

Thank you Taylor Swift.

I have found this to be quite the concept, say things when you mean it. Say it, out loud. Just say it.

There's a quote from one of my favorite movies....

[McKann, I am pretty sure you watched that movie with me the first time, I probably wouldn't say I am copying you. If you didn't watch it with me, it has been my favorite for years :)]

If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just... Passes you by...

In life, sometimes you learn things the hard way, and sometimes you learn them too late.

This time I learned it too late.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I have been a decently good girl this year. I didn't pull any pranks, I kept my manners, and I was nice to most people most of the time. There is just a few things I would like this year.

A Dishwasher- See the thing is, after 12 months of no dishwasher, and months and months of being the only one who does the dishes in my family, I would say, I have earned one. I understand I used to complain about doing the dishes when I had one, but my heart has changed.

Running Shoes- On Thursday I only ran 4 miles and my feet had blisters. Can you understand that my feet need something new, something happy? Please note- I hate Nike's.

My Brother- Ok, Christmas can come in July. :) (MORE LIKE JUNE!!!) But it would be amazing if we (as in me, my momma, dad, and Jensen- note, no little people), could go pick him up in Baltimore. Did you know that DC is just one train ride away from Baltimore. :)


A Boyfriend- I knew I blew it last time around but this time I will be nice, and good to the poor kid. I would never ever treat him the way I treated.... him... All I am saying is, I'm a bit lonely. Going through high school with no boy is lame.

I guess if the whole boyfriend thing doesn't work out, I would also like Harry Potter, Carrie Jube, and Taylor Lautner cardboard cut outs.



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

You always said "Fate is against us" and it was.

My mind forgets to remind me your a bad idea.

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

But I never planned on you changing your mind

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

I said remember this moment in the back of my mind

Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame

If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures please tell them my name

You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time but I never thought I'd live to see it break.

I thought I had you figured out... now I'm haunted

All you're ever gonna be is mean and a liar, and pathetic

I used to know my place was a spot next to you now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

Oh, a simple complication, miscommunications lead to fall out

So many things that I wish you knew

And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me?

And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

And we're not speaking

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less

Here I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again

Drop everything now

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

all this time you were pretending. . .

. . . so much for my happy ending.

Eh. I hate when we talk because I never know how I am supposed to feel.

I want to hate you, burn your picture, and slap you in the face.

But I can't. I don't. I won't. And I will never.

I promised you that I would never turn you into a burned picture, just like the others.

( and I will never again slap you, I think I did that one night at the football game- I think so, I obviously cannot remember)

I kept my promise.

You promised me, (your exact words)

"But one thing I just wanted to make clear to you today: I'm really not going to give up. Ever! Even if it takes five years, or if you don't want me there for the rest of your life. I'm still going to be there for you, and anytime you need something, I'll be there."

And that promise is broken.

"Even if you do (give up), I'm not going to"

"I just want you to see how much I can't stand the thought of losing you. As someone who exists and says an occasional hi in the halls, as a friend, as a best friend that actually cared for one of the first times in my life, and as my sunshine. "

Can anyone see why I hate him? Why I want to hate him? Why I can't hate him?

"I know that guy who sent those emails is somewhere down inside of you. But, I can't wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless, and disappointing."

Monday, November 22, 2010

...every time I look in the mirror, the past is gone...

According to Google a friend is a "person you know well and regard with affection and trust"

I have had a lot of friends in my life. Some come and go. Hardly anyone is there still. (Now that I think of it I know no one who has been around forever accept maybe my sister Jensen, she is my best friend) It is hard to stay friends with people. Circumstances change. Places change. Things change. People change.We change. Sometimes we can't accept the change. We can't. We simply can't. I look at a long list of people in my life I cannot accept the change. It breaks my heart that this many people have faded from my life. Some left in an instant. Some slowly drifted.

But I love the people who we can instantly reunite and it seems that we are the best of the best although I haven't seen them in months.

I hate the people who just are different. No I don't hate THEM, I hate that they are different. I see (some of) them a lot. Sometimes twice a day, and I am nothing to them. It is as if our friendship never existed. How could I not exist to you after everything we went through?

My heart aches for those people. My heart aches because of these people.

I love the friend that I go up to and I say "I have a note from you!" and she says the exact same thing. Thank you notes from seminary. We think of each other.

I hate the people who simply don't care anymore. Ouch, how could that be?

"You got to lose to know how to win" I wish I understood why. Well I do, but reality still hurts.

Nothing will change between any of us, unfortunately.

And I will continue to cry because of that.

(PS. I LOOOVE that we ever took a picture together. Not sure why! You meant EVERYTHING TO ME at one point. Someday I will take a picture with you so we can have one so when I point to the pictures to my children when I am old and say "That's him")

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dear You, You, You, You, probably You, You, and that guy over there,

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I miss all of you. I do. But I am pretty sure you are ok. I hope all is well.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

i wanna know what love is.

I can't wait to get married and be in love. :) And since that is far far away, (not ages away but not anywhere in the next 2 or 3 years at LEAST), I can just watch other people be in love. Yeah, it's cute.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Tree and a Little Walkway

I saw a tree and it reminded me of you.

You know this tree.

You remember.
I was picking off the leaves, and berries, throwing them, angry.

It was spring.

You were concerned, you cared, at the moment.

Moments later, you drowned.

And then it was over.

So when I saw the tree I thought of you.

Then I drove a little more.

I saw a wall, a little walkway and I thought of you.

You know this place.

You remember.

You held my hand and I loved that moment. Its truly one one of my favorite memories.

That was when you cared, so much. That's when I cared.

Back to the tree, I drove by again. This time, I took the time to notice the tree was dead.

The leaves were mostly gone, and the berries on the ground.

We are the tree.

And now that we are dead, I will find someone new for the spring season.

Winter is here, and when spring comes, I will not bloom for you.

"Stupid girl, I should have known. . . "

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

my best friend

Have you ever wondered what a best friend is?

Let me tell you.

A best friend is the person who you can call at 9 PM on a Monday night, go get Krispy Kreme donuts, wait outside in the freezing cold with shorts on to get into an apartment building just to give your sister a donut, and yes, not even give your sister a donut and not complain.

A best friend stands by your decisions.

A best friend truly cares about you in every way. They want you to succeed and make it to the top.

A best friend will pay for your homecoming shoes when they are buy one get one half off and then after you fail to pay them back completely, for your birthday they write you a well thought out note, and tell you that you don't owe them the $8 anymore.

A best friend can make you laugh and will laugh with/at you. They have similar type of humor and even love you when you are crazy.

A best friend will go with you to a bookstore for hours just reading all different types of books.

A best friend makes you want to become a better person and helps you when you need a push.

A best friend will lay on the benches at a restaurant with you when you are the only ones in the restaurant and just talk to you.

A best friend understand the meaning of having pizza for at least one meal for 4 days in a row and encourages to keep the cycle going.

A best friend comes to your house after school even if there is nothing to do there.

A best friend listens to you talk about the same old boy and how much you care/hate him, how you don't even act like a normal broken up couple but more of a divorced couple and still continues to help you move on with your life.

A best friend will eat lunch with you when you need to stay to do homework although they could have left.

A best friend will sing songs about zoos, elephants and love real loud and horrible with you day after day.

A best friend doesn't consider high school to be the end of the friendship.

A best friend doesn't question why you took a online Harry Potter sorting club test, but asks you for the website to email it them-self.

A best friend doesn't look like you like you are an idiot when you want to transfer out of your super hard math class into the super easy one, but transfers in with you to the super easy one.

A best friend supports senior crushes, even when you are a junior, and even has one too.

A best friend waits for you to walk down from seminary and even cares about what you learned and wants to know.

A best friend is open with you and trusts you.

A best friend is Sarah Louie Thayne.