Surrounding me is a mess. I look in my room and see clothes, trash, other random belongings. I don't earn one penny to my own name. Sure a $10 job for my parents so I can go see the latest movies or buy a milkshake, but I have no income. I stay up late browsing the Internet or watching an episode or two of Arrested Development. My biggest worries are if Culture Night will go well, or if I will survive my last and final Yearbook deadline.
I'm just a kid.
However, come a few months, I am out of high school, moving on to college, on my own. No more ten bucks here or there. No more going to school for half the day and convincing Sutherland to excuse me for the other half. No more comfort in the fact that I basically run the school I am going to. I won't be able to get away with the things I do now. No more high school.
Let me just say that one again, no more high school.
I'll be a poor, unknown, low-life in this world. I'll be alone. But I'll be free.
I was driving with my little sister to Yogurtland. We came to a stop light. I was sitting there thinking about the book on dating that Mady is going to give me. I wasn't texting. I wasn't talking on the phone. Simply thinking. The cars next to me started going, so I did. Yep, you got it, I ran completely through a red light. Let me tell you. the shame and the embarrassment I felt was to the max. I was some loser car who just was going through a completely red light.
So why do I tell you this story?
It sure isn't to tell you that I am a bad driver. I will be the first to admit that I can't park my 59ft truck. I turn my blinker on 5 miles too early and sometimes I run over the curb. I am 89.99% of the time a too cautious driver. Sometimes I space out, but I don't text while driving, I try not to talk on the phone, I sit way too close to the steering wheel so I can be sure to sit straight up and pay attention.
I'll tell you why I told you this.
Sometimes in life, we go through these phases where we're just in a daze. We run the emotional, physical, spiritual stop lights. We don't pay attention to the things surrounding us. We just drive by without thinking. We go through our days living but not living. We aren't careful, we really aren't anything. We're just driving.
So wake up and realize where you are because guess what sweetie, the light isn't green yet. You're time will come.
The future is a scary place. It's a valley of unknown territory and opportunity. You don't know if you will be climbing up mountains or molehills. You don't know if you will be swimming in a river or an ocean. Really, the future is a world of uncertainty. All can take with us is an ounce of faith and a bit of hope. It's coming and it's coming quick.
I remember last year when we completed our book. I took a picture of the green bar indicating that we had submitted it all. However this year it's a little bit different. This year the green bar represents the work that I have put into 240 pages. To think that in about a week my that green bar will be full is a delightful
thought. It is somewhat sad to think that pretty much my time as
Yearbook editor will be ending, but wonderful to think that it will be
completed. I honestly cannot wait. I'm proud of my staff for the work they've created. I love them. We've bonded so much because of a book we are all striving to create. I have spent countless hours reviewing and reviewing that thing. I know its not perfect. But I'm pretty dang happy with it.
Sometimes you need to lose all faith in humanity. Trust no one. Spend moments alone. Sometimes you need to sink below. You need to let go. Stop letting those hurtful words echo in your ears. And sometimes, in the middle of all of it, in the midst of the confusion and chaos, you find yourself. Take a good long look into your mirror. Recognize that you are enough. This is it. Cut all loose ends, now opened the new horizon. Build new foundations, create new ledges and jump. It's your life. Stop living it for anyone but yourself.
Be proud of who you are, despite what anyone else thinks.
I don't think it has been a secret that it's been an interesting two and a half years with him. He was my best friend, He turned into a guy I didn't want to see, or talk to. I was done. But we were so connected. It always seemed to work out. We were always there, in the middle of the weirdness and the disasters, there we were together again. But we've changed. Both of us. Not just the obvious changes, the ones deep down. I thank him for all that he has done for me, we've just grown so far apart. Distant. It won't be the same. I hope for the best in his life. Sometimes in life we verbally say our goodbyes. Sometimes words can't speak what the heart is feeling. So you say nothing at all and feel deep down what you both are feeling. .
Here's to you, Jake Knell. It's been a great, miserable, wonderful few years. But this is goodbye.
Always and forever, Dondra the Bunny Rabbit.
People change. Feeling change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.