all packed up and getting out of here

Two and a half years ago, I promised myself this would never be my home.
I hated every bit of my life, bitter and angry, I told myself I'd never accept this place.
I was embarrassed about the move, I was ashamed of my parents, I was upset.
8 months of construction followed. 
The worst 8 months of my life.
Our whole main floor was being torn about with my mom's own two hands.
7 of us were crammed in 3 rooms, no kitchen, hardly any money to our name.
I felt alone and bitter. This place could never be my home.
It was hell.

I look around at my half packed room, clothes all over the floor.
I still don't have carpet installed and I haven't had closet doors since we moved in.
My walls are painted half blue and the air conditioning doesn't function properly.
The toilet in my bathroom is still hideous pink and the boys still haven't learned how to flush it.
I laugh each time I remember we still don't have a railing and we have a broken baby gate so Maddox doesn't fall down the stairs when he sleep walks.

This place is far from perfect but it is everything my home is.

Home is coming home from a long day of school and activites and having Puffy greet me with a hug.
Home is the countless hours I've spent listening to music while doing the dishes.
Home is a skate ramp in my garage because that's just the way my dad is.
Home is stickers on my door and writing that says "Maddox" all over it.
Home is the annoyance that my TV always has to be on during family dinner.
Home is rushing to get the perfect Sunset photo at 7:45.
Home is loud. Crazy loud. One million little people, big people, all over the place, going and going.
Home is the leftover Little Caesars boxes and Wills Pit Stop Cups all over the place.

I've been so excited for freedom.
No more doing dishes for 8 million, or arguing with my parents.
No more little kids yelling at me or watching dumb tv shows or babysitting.
Freedom. I get to do what I want when I want.

Nothing breaks my heart more than saying goodbye to home.
I can't imagine what it is going to be like to not see punk Maddox every day or Walker saying something ridiculous like "I'm not sitting down, I'm kneeing" No, not kneeling, kneeing.
And don't get me started on Puffy.
She's my little best friend. I love her more than anything I can explain.
Little Puffers has been through a lot for an 8 year old and I just see this amazing human being she is going to grow up into.
I love the way she youtubes Primary songs and asks me to read the scriptures to her.
She has the most special spirit I've ever seen in a person.
Truth of the matter is, these kids have been my best friends for almost ten years.
These kids are my home.
They are my everything.
And it breaks my heart to know I won't be around as much.
I'm going to miss their daily innocent laughs and the silly things they say.

I'm saying goodbye to home so I can make my dreams into reality and grow up. It's time. I'm ready. Four days from now I'll be out. I'll be free. It's all I've ever wanted.

"Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true, well isn't it?"

If that's the case, why am I bawling my eyes out? 

i crave it.

What a day! 

I finished the yearbook. HALLELUJAH! Honestly, the best thing ever and I saw, relived, quoted, sang and breathed "Thoroughly Modern Millie" again at Orem High.

Of course though, at the end of it, I wanted someone to give me a hug, tell me I did a great job and let me tell them every little thing I was thinking.

*I didn't like the way she said "I'm a pioneer woman pal!*

*His first note on "Oh Sweet Mystery of Life" was absolutely amazing*

*Why didn't they say "DEXTER! COME!"?*

*Why was Bung Fu a girl?*

*At least she could sing*

* The tap dancing! It's amazing!*

*That was my line! My one and only line and he ruined it!* 

*Why was her dress long? And fitted?! ITS STYLISH TO RAISE YOUR SKIRT!*

(Well, I suppose I said most of these things to Zoe.)

However, he'd be more than proud of me for my book and laugh at me for my over-analyzing skills. We'd go on walks and he'd wear button up shirts. He'd lay and stare at the ceiling with me and try to make patterns out of it as I do sometimes. He'd enjoy funny pictures I send him. He'd be great. I hope he's smart. Oh goodness, I love a boy who is smart. Someone who can explain concepts and ideas to me. I hope he can play guitar and we can sing under the stars. Oh how joyous it would be to have a boyfriend!

However, as Mama Tanna would say, "Your time will come." 

But this time I may just ask her, "Soon?"

all the pretty girls

Today my aunt told me that when her little girls play house, they take turns being "Mayson".

 It was the cutest thing ever.

just stay this little

I just want to stop her from growing....

before she gets hurt. before she gets scared. before she's alone.

She's so little. Right now her biggest problems are when someone steals her spot that her friend saved her from the lunch room.....

because in the future it could be someone stealing her heart. 

I want to grab her tight and never let go....

before she allows herself to let somebody else hold her close. 

Right now she puts on dresses to dress up, she has to sneak putting make up on. She is clothed in innocence and laughter....

I don't want her to dress in any other way for any other person besides herself. 

She doesn't need to get caught between any boy drama besides her brothers, she doesn't need to fall in love, she doesn't need to grow. She doesn't need to make life complicated.....

so we'll think of a wonderful thought, take the second star to the left, and enter into Neverland.

"To you everything's funny, you have nothing to regret. I'd give all I'd have honey, if you could stay like that"

She doesn't need to grow up, she has me. That's all a baby sister could need.

oh our hearts are for calleva.

Calleva has taken over my life. 

You know in Mean Girls when ALL she thinks and talks about is Regina George. She didn't even like her that much and it basically became her life. 

(I actually don't recommend that movie. It really isn't filled with things of the goodness like the gospel) 

I feel like that. 

I don't even like Calleva that much. 

Yet, every moment of my day, I am thinking about it.

I wake up. That means it's time to get ready for work. Make a lunch. (or don't make a lunch, that's been my thing this week)

I go to work from 8:42-4:06 (pretty much precisely) every day.

At home, I sing camp songs all day. I think about what I am going to wear. I go to staff things. (Never sure why, I  never like them)  I think about how my day went.  I think about how much I don't want to go back the next day.  Blah blah blah.

Repeat.

Except today, Ashley Barney came over. She looked in my fridge.

Ashley: You have JELLO!

Me: Well, yeah. I made it this morning! 

Ashley: Only a Utah girl would do that. Only a Utah girl.

You know when you have a crush on someone and they are all you think about.  You think of your "future" and "stories" and all these stupid things. Yeah, well it's like I have a crush on my job.  

Gross.

PIRATE DAY! ARRG!!!

Staff Outing. Pouring Rain. Baby.

Disaster. 

Sometimes though, I do like it. Yesterday, we were talking with the kids about why they decided to put Calleva at Riley's Lock. (The place we meet each day) Some girl yells "Because they don't have wi-fi here!" That's right. No wi-fi young one.

I have a feeling this is posed.

On a aide note, welcome home brotha! This picture makes me giggle. (More like laugh like Hugh Bryant Plautz and Jensen. Gotta love the laugh that runs in the family)

all of the dirt you've been throwing my way.

Did you know that I breathe better when I am muddy? Also my mom kicked me out of the house because I would get the house too muddy? Then when she would give me soap to clean my body, I would just eat the soap for breakfast? Well, it's true. And I walked here from Utah because I had no where to go. Now I just live on a rock by Riley's Lock (where Calleva meets together) and they pay me in soap and give me lunch? Yep. So my campers attacked me with muddy sand and washed my hair in it. All the girls said I looked pretty with my hair like that. Except they weren't kidding. Even the other JC thought so. So I guess shampoo is for LOSERS.  My favorite was the little girl who told me I could live with her and that my life was really sad. 

Oh the things that children believe.

hung upon your wall for the world to see.

Sometimes I feel like crap after 99 degree, 80% humidity and a day at the farm with 6 kids for 7 hours. So after eating dinner, I thought I would go lay in my room and just relax. Finn and Gabe had different plans. . .

So we played. Gabe (the older one) was the monster while Finn and I tried to escape from him. 

 

And we took lots of pictures. :) 

I have camp songs stuck in my head. To the max. It's quite great. (But not really!) Tomorrow is my last day of work until Monday. I worked every day this whole week. (Including Saturday and Sunday, I need a break for a couple of days) Calleva, you are taking over my life!!  

Ahh man, I love little kids. They say the funniest things, like seriously. Gabe and I were looking at some pictures on my computer and I said "That boy is really cute" His response? "I can tell" Hahaha. Oh boy. How hilarious? I loved it. 

You met a few of my new friends now. Little Finn is super cute, and I love Gabe. Isn't it nice to know that I have friends? And I LIVE with them! Maybe I will find me a 17 year old friend. Just maybe.

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes

Today I started camp. To save you a long sad story on how orientation was miserable, I will just jump to today. (Yes Lauren, that was kinda like a vague Facebook status, if you wanted to know how orientation went you would answer your phone sometimes) Oh my the campers are funny. I work in "Explorers" (ages 6-9) I hope I can work there most of the summer. Since most people in MD have school still,  we just got the private school kids. There were 5 boys. Oh man, they say the funniest things. Then there were 3 counselors. (Baldy-- in my brothers ward, Brandon--17 year old funny boy, and Me--if you don't know me, stop reading my blog, creep)

**So yeah, I was sitting here typing (my laptop won't work for some dumb reason) and Coleman thought he would just scare me. . . AGAIN. He has done it so many times and somehow gets me each time. He is quieter than quiet then he just appears out of nowhere.**

That was a side note. Anyway, we went on a "hike" to some "haunted mill", went kayaking, had lunch, ate ice cream, and went tubing. I played so many games of ninja destruction and I sang "Dynamite" and other songs way too much. But I loved it. It was a fun adventure. Making up stories is going to be my expertee when I return. Want to know how the rocks got there? Oh yeah, a dragon. Take that Mrs. Benson. I told them to look for a bright red rock that the dragon's wife made out of one teardrop. They were looking forever. How I love little kids.

Kids say the funniest things. They saw a bunch of ants. Conversation...

Kids:  (screaming) "Ahh!!! There are just so many ants!"

Kid #1: "Yeah, you know how many people there are in the world?"

Kid #2: A lot!

Kid #1: Infinity

Kid #3: No about 7 billion.

Kid #1: Yeah, so there a infinity people and do we all just scream when we see them?! No! So calm down!!!

Hahahah that was just classic. Have a good day. Behave.