i won't be denied by you, the animal inside of you

Regret is hands down the worst feeling in the world. Its not the feeling that we cannot forgive another it is the feeling that we cannot forgive ourselves. 


Regret crept into my life lately. If only I knew which of the various things I regret. It could be all of November. It could be January 21st.  It could be February 6th. It could be February 11th.  It could be April 17th. There is a line somewhere, but I am not sure exactly which one of those occasions, that I actually regret. It- for sure, is there somewhere. 


Regret is a feeling that is hard to push off. People often say, "Don't regret things" or "Everything happens for a reason." 


But honestly, I regret the way I used my agency. 


"I'd go back in time and change it but I can't, so if the chain is on your door, I understand" 


Time is one of those things that easily slaps you in the face. You can't go back, you can't go forward. All you really can do is live in the moment. I regret the night I lived in the moment. I didn't think about our past. I didn't think about our future. I thought about myself.  And deep down, I wasn't even thinking. 


But when I went to go fix my mistake, it was too late.  I remember that moment. We hugged in the street,  and I thought for a moment life could be better. But then I realized I was wrong. 


In life, we have to learn lessons. High school is this temporary state that seems like eternity. I know, eventually, I will look back on this and laugh.  But with prom creeping about, us talking again, and knowing you will never, ever be mine again, I can't help but regret. 


I regret every choice I made to get to the point we are now. 


I want my best friend back.