i think i need a sunrise, i am tired of the sunset

It has been one of those days.

A little rain cloud has floated above my head all day.

I woke up late-- again.  This forced me to actually make it to second period. I don't think missing 4 times is okay with the school system.  Snow was on the ground. Eh.

In Drama I got a head ache. I don't know if it was the roar of freshman thinking Mr. Brower was the funniest man ever, or if it was just one of those head aches I get quite often. Maybe I have a brain tumor, I wouldn't know. My mom gets headaches a lot too so she just thinks they are normal. (Same with getting my wisdom teeth out, I keep telling her I need to get them out, she insists its not a big deal because she never got hers out) Also in Drama, the great kid next to me told me I had a zit on my face. Hey freshman, thanks for reminding me I had no time to look in the mirror this morning and that I hate my face.

Seminary is always good, but with my head ache in tow, it made it hard for me to concentrate. But Seminary is always my break from reality. I love that.

I didn't feel full after lunch, and all of 8th I felt cruddy.

After 8th, I went to Mady's to read "The Crucible" because I can't read it without falling asleep. I ate a little bit of food, then fell asleep on accident. I took some excedrin-- that did nothing. I have had a head ache since 10:30 this morning, and it is not 7:40, it has only gotten worse.

Someone once told me that I gave them headaches. I give myself headaches, buddy. Thinking too much does nothing to help my "brain tumor". If I die, you are invited to my funeral. You all are.

Then my mom got mad at me because I didn't tell her where I was going. I called her, she didn't answer. Oh parents, why do you care so much? When I am home all I do is sit in my room and do the dishes. You have 3 kids to deal with, you don't even notice if I am there or not. So why get SO mad if I don't text you. I at least called.

So I have had a head ache all day, I feel like crap and my mom and dad are mad at me.

I love days like today.

 I think I want to start a countdown to Maryland. After all this is the house I will be living in. . .

i am so excited for my new "home" there is bound to be a dishwasher there!

Stealing from CF.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope. Not that I know of. My mom apparently just liked my name

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
February 10th. Yep, that was embarrassing.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sure, when I actually try to write good.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
TURKEY.  

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I always say my little siblings are my kids, but nope. .  

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
It depends on what my other person personality would be. But for the most part, yes

           

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
hahahaha yeah. It causes "problems" sometimes. Never use sarcasm over texts, it ruins relationships.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yes ! 

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No way. Never. I freaking hate heights.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Reese's Puffs. I am like a five year old when it comes to my breakfast cereal pick.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? 
nope. 

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
nope. not even close.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
MINT OREO. 

 

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
  what they look like, their clothes

15. RED OR PINK?
Pink. Sadly.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I annoy myself sometimes.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Tanner. CJ. Lizi. Especially CJ right now.

18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
THIN. CONFIDENCE. SLEEP. PHOBIAS.
Um. Thin, and Sleep. I suck at taking care of myself lately.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
no shoes. But I did wear bright pink converse today

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Life- the maple kind, SOOOOO good.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Stuck in the Moment- Justin Bieber. Yeah, I did get converted to Bieberism.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
The cool blue that starts with a "C"

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Rain. Pine Sol. Boys Cologne.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
According to my phone-- Sarah Thayne.

  

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach House. All the way.

jk jk jk just kidding just kidding just kidding. (SNL anyone?)

I want to know everything you think of me. 

Do you ever think anything good? Do you only think of bad? 

or

Do you look at me and think nothing?

I don't know how that would be possible, but it may be.

What were you thinking that day, that week, that month?

Do you ever miss me? 

Ever?

Am I a bad memory or a good one?

Am I a memory at all? Do you ever think of me?

What about when you see me-- which I know you do, what do you think then?

When you glance at me, does a memory ever come to mind?

I just want to know. 

I find myself stuck. I can't ask you these questions, because deep down, I don't want to hear the answers.

I don't want to hear it-- good or bad. 

I can't hear it. 

Yet, I wonder. 

Day after day, I sit and wonder.

Who is the boy sitting across from me?

How were we best friends and now we are nothing?

It's strange to me that you know more than everything about me, yet you can't say two words to me. 

Oh wait, you can-- excuse me.

We went from talking about everything to excuse me?

That forces me to contemplate what could possibly be going on inside your brain.

All these thoughts control my mind for about

4.6 seconds.

And I am back to myself again. 

the questions with no answers

Sometimes I wish I had my life figured out and I knew what I wanted.

Am I going to get asked to Prom? Who will I ask to Morp? Who will I go to Prom with? Must I go dress shopping? Dances dances dances. Dumb, stressful, eventful, wonderful, marvelous activities we attend.

What will it be like when I go to Maryland? Will I make new friends, and totally love it? Or will I be the weird outcast Mormon girl who's loud and annoying?

What will my love life be like? Not the high school love stuff, I suck at handling more than anyone you know, but my college, future dating love life?

My friends always say I am most likely to get married first? Why is that? Do I seem that starved for love? Ok yeah, maybe just a little bit.

I describe myself as the hopeless romantic. Because A) I want to believe in love, but I deep down, I fear it. More than anything you can imagine. I wonder if it exists. and B) Hopeless... who the heck would love all of me? I am crazy. Some people remind me everyday :) (But I am pretty sure those are the people who love me the most)

Will I be able to have kids? I love babies. Yesterday-- there were babies everywhere. The adorable baby sitting next to me at the funeral, Lauren's nephew, the baby at outback. I just love them. Then today at church, I found my new favorite picture. . . I have never looked at a picture with such emotion before. I imagined being Mary for a moment and holding the Savior of the world in my arms. She may be the luckiest girl in the world. But Heavenly Father shares that moment of perfection with us when he sends us these precious angels. If  I could explain how happy I am when I have a baby in my arms, I would. But I cannot. Therefore, we can pretend like anyone in this world can comprehend how happy they truly make me.                                                                                                                                                                        I wonder how long things will be like this.

Th

with the taste of a posion paradise

It started with an embarrassing moment.

"Mayson Astle will you stand up please? Will you go to the dance with Trent Kupka?"

That awkward moment lead to an epic answer.

Gift after gift was delivered. 

Then came the dress, the shoes,  the jewelry. 

Then came the date.

Skittle bowling. Pirate Island. Forgetting to order lunch. Welcome to the day date.

It was time to get ready. 

Hair curled, make up done, dress on.

A twenty minute wait at Chili's followed, all to leave and go to Outback.

Steak. Diet Coke. Diet Coke all over the counter. Potatoes.

We traveled to the dance. 

Everyone looked amazing, fantastic and beautiful.

To Trent's we went.

I fell asleep. Oops.

We went home. 

What a wonderful night, what a spoiled girl I am?

movies.movies.movies.

I  love a good movie. Honestly, I am the kind of girl who is perfectly content with a movie. I have been watching some lately and I just thought I would share.

You Got Mail.

*I loved it. It was a very good, cute, predictable love story. (Always great) Just a fun, easy to watch movie that has sat in my closet but until I read Chrystalyn's blogpost on it I never watched it. Thank for sharing CF, I liked it a lot. There were some really good quotes and messages from it. 

 Two Weeks Notice. 

 *Just like "You Got Mail", a very predictable movie. One day, Mady and I wanted to watch a movie, we chose this one and yeah. I could predict it. But let's be real here, I love Hugh Grant. Notting Hill, Love Actually. Music and Lyrics. All great movies.

RED.

*I saw this one with Stuart and Andrew last Saturday. Ok, I know what you are thinking (most likely), why did I see it? I remember seeing the commercial and thinking it looked like the dumbest movie ever. But then I saw it, and I loved it! It was so funny, and I just thought it was an overall good movie.

 

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.

 

*Hands down, the saddest movie I have ever seen. But on the other hand, one of the best movies I have ever seen. If you are looking for a very serious, true to life, sincere movie, watch this one. I don't want to say much about it, but Lauren, you will cry, and most likely others of you will too. Easily, the best movie I have seen in a long time. LONG time.

OTHER GREATS/ RANDOM FAVORITES

Mayson wants to see this. . . Really Bad.

break me off a piece of that

Sometimes you just need a break from. . . 

school

homework

family

friends

drama

work

yourself

running

resting

shopping

REALITY

If I could, I would float with balloons to a cloud that could take me away from reality. 

let's get together and feel alright

There is something to say about the sun.  I can't get over the fact that I can be in a tank top, with the window wide open in February. 

The sun makes me think about summer. 

Lauren asked me the other day about how I was not nervous to leave, to a new state, where I literally know no one. Truth is, I am not nervous about those I am going to meet, but about those I leave behind. I find myself asking "Will I even have friends when I come back?" I worry about starting my senior year alone. I worry that people here will change and be perfectly happy without me. 

But I am excited. More than you can ever know. Eight weeks. I only have eight weeks to taste what freedom may feel like. It's scary. Eight weeks.  No family, friends, or familiar faces. 

I know for at least one moment, I will have a glimpse of home. I will get to see my brother again. 

Elder Astle, I am coming for you. I love you. Promise you will see me? I have waited 2 years to see you!

They talk of homecomings, girls camp, boating, youth conference, Tan the Man, CJ, experiences I will all miss out on. But I think-- I hope-- it will all be worth it.

February 11.

You came, you saw, you conquered.

Becoming the Change

"Be the change you wish you see in the world"- Ghandi

I have read, and pondered such a quote for a long time. 10 words that I believe will change my life; they already have. 

Everyone has their sayings, mottos whatever. Tanna Gledhill's is "Your time will come", Anita Hill's is "The Gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives" Shauna Miller's is "Don't let anyone and anything change who you are or who you want to be".Brother Olivas' is "All things that are unfair about life can be made up through the atonement of Jesus Christ" These are things that people say over and over again,  and I have found much comfort, help and guidance from these sayings.

BE THE CHANGE. Although I am no rhetorical, inspiring genius myself, I am sure Ghandi wouldn't mind if I stole his first three words as my life motto. 

Be it. When hard things come your way, become that challenge. Becoming our challenges will lead to overcoming our challenges. Don't let it take over you and control your life, be it, go with it. The Lord is there and you shall be made whole.

When things bother us, when we want to see change, we need to be it. I remember I was at Op Smile canp and this girl talked about how much she hated seeing garbage on the ground. She said "Instead of being angry like I used to be,  I decided I would pick it up instead" She became the change. We must know what needs to be changed in life in order to become it.

When we find ourselves off the path, the only way to come back is to be the change we wish to see in ourselves, be the change that our Heavenly Father wants us to be. Life isn't about wandering from one road to the other, it is about trying our hardest to stay a magnet to the straight and narrow, When we are overcome by the natural man, Christ gives us the nudges we need to find our pathway. Through him, we are made whole.

BE THE CHANGE.

I AM DR. FRANKENSTEIN

Sometimes I feel like I created my own monster.

Sometimes I blame my problems on other people.

Sometimes I hate you and wonder why I ever associate with you.

Then there are others.

The times where I love you and want to be around you.

The times where I think about how you are the best.

The times where we sit and talk about whatever.

Why are you two completely different people?

Then I remember, you have been there. But why do I feel like that at the same time, you haven't?

Moments come and I sit and wonder how much longer you will be in my life. I can never know. You have no problem walking out of peoples lives because you find people replaceable.

I could never do that.

Live your life. Be free. That's what you told me when I made the worst and meanest decision in my life. Your words echoed in my brain.

So is that what you will do? Live your life and be free?

How is it that you are basically my best friend, yet my worst enemy?

It's a Typical Tuesday Night.

Honestly, that was the best high school basketball game I have ever attended. I love the T-Birds.

Who's number one? Timpview, Timpview! Who's number one? Timpview, Timpview! We're number one and we're not number two we are the power of one we are Timpview, Timpview!!!

Mayson loved this game, even when she hated it.

On a side note, my dress didn't come.

random.drawings.thoughts.expressions.

here's to you and your temper

Quit blaming all of your bad days on me. 

Everything that goes wrong in your life is always someone's fault. Not yours. You never do anything wrong, or ever add to the situation. In your eyes, you are perefect.

You think everyone you are around are self-centered, you think all I care about is myself.

How do you not even know me? Have you met yourself?

No, you aren't the most self-centered person in the universe, or even close. You do help a lot of other people, but at the same time,  you always blame helping them on your bad mood. You use it as something against us that you spent "all this time helping us", therefore, complaining about your service means nothing. I would rather not have all your help because the way you complain makes me feel upset and guilty.

You are inconsistent. You expect me to be perfect when you demand perfection, but I never know when that is coming. Sometimes, its never quite enough. Quit getting mad at me all the time because I don't know how you want me to act that day.

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

Life's About Understanding

My cousin Ellen and I share a love of the band "The Script", she showed me their new album. As I listened to a selection of their songs, I discovered a mutual feeling in all of them- - he had lost someone, missed them, and wanted them back. The best feeling in the world is to not feel that way at all. The best feeling in the world is knowing those stupid "pity-party" songs do not relate to me in any way shape or form. The reason I love that is because once upon a time, I lived off those songs. 

But that's not happiness.

Understanding that the choices we made a year ago would effect this year so significantly is a good thing, and understanding things happen for a reason is key to pleasure.  Understanding, I am okay and will be okay is the greatest thing. Understanding, that I am so beyond happy with life right now, that's a good conclusion to come to.

"I couldn't be happier,  though it is I admit, the tiniest bit, unlike I anticipated. But I couldn't be happier, simply couldn't be happier, well not simply. . . 'cause getting your dreams, it's strange but it seems a little well, complicated. There's a kinda a sorta- - cost. There's a couple of things get - - lost. There are bridges you crossed you didn't know you crossed until you crossed.  Who wouldn't be happier? Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true, well isn't it? Happy is what happens when your dreams come true." 

Isn't it? I love how the happy, perky, Glinda (the Ga is silent!) questions what happiness is. 

Happiness is all about understanding.

Understanding the Lord's timing is crucial to our lives. Understanding why he lets hard things happen makes us who we are. Life is all about learning to understand.

"When you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also, that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better"- Elder Busche

And he does.

i don't know how it gets better than this

To expand on my recent facebook status "I love my friends" I thought I would post this...

Louie, KC, Trent, Mayson and Crit

Goodness, I love my friends. All of them are superb.  They just let me be myself, and have fun anyway. We have a real great time together, and I sincerely love them all dearly.

Weekends are good times to be with your friends. I went to the game with Lydia. I love our game friendships. Emily's usually there too, so fun! I love cheering and being with her. Then after the game, Sarah, Stookey, and KC came over. We skated. Well Sarah and Stookey skated. KC and I watched. But I always have fun with them.

Sarah slept over. Yay!!! Mayson loves sleepovers with Sarah. :) The ext morning we went to IHOP, Wal Mart, and Savers. Cute girl.

Later, (like hours later) I picked her back up, we went to Taco Bell and the boys came over again. Well, this time it was Christian, KC, and Trent. Oh man, we are a good crew, the five of us, like honestly, we really get along well. Skating, Days, Delirious, singing while driving with our heads out the window, making movies, photo booth. All goodness. Gosh, I feel so blessed, these guys are the best ever. I feel completely normal, and comfortable around them.

Classic thing that happens every time we hang out, we all burst out singing "I wish you would step out from that ledge my friend!!!" (Jumper, third eye blind, good song)

Speaking of friends, I saw Emily Clark at Days today. I love pleasant surprises like that.

Ps. I hope my dress comes on Tuesday, instead of next Monday. The dates 8-14 is kinda a large range, thanks a lot Kohl's.

reflections late at night.

Bucket List Completion:

15. Make Steve Orton cookies, it was his 50th, I made him cookies!!!

46. Donate blood. Did it, and will continue to do it.

I have been re-reading my "mission-statement/motto thing" for this year and so far it feels successful.

This year will be the one. 

The one where I live every day to it's full potential- Lately I have filled everyday with stuff, basketball games, friends in general, doing crazy things. It has NOT been dull at all! 

The one where I learn from the past, but never set foot it in, The one where I learn from the past, but never set foot it in, The one to come close to the Lord through church, scriptures, seminary, prayers, fasting, experience, friends, family and life. 

The one where the temple is my second home, and I get to free souls in heaven. - I added "Attend Temple Regularly" to my bucket-list thing. Sarah and I have gone the past two weeks and decided to go every week we can. I honestly love the temple. Everything is so grand, peaceful and beautiful there.

The one to fall in love with life again.- Whoever "D" is, I want you to know, I truly took your letter to heart. I love it and read it often. But when I read that line, I decided I wanted that, I decided I wanted to be in love with life again. So I did. I made some changes, and I am glad and happy to say, life is not that bad, and I am actually doing pretty dang well. 

The one where I dance in the kitchen, scream songs in the car and act like no one is ever watching- Literally, Sarah and I screamed in the car. It was pretty great. 

 January treated me well. It honestly did. I am happy with life, and I will continue to be. I need to work on my running goals, and some other things, but I will. I have 11 months to become the girl I want to become in 2011.  

Shoot, it is one in the morning!!!!! I need to go to bed now.