changed for the better

Graduation is 25 days away.

always stuck on my mind

This song never gets old. 

life's too short to even care

"It is strange how we hold on to the pieces of our past while we wait for our futures"

And I thought, you know Cassia, you're dead on.

itty bitty little thing on my mind

Trader Joe's is a mystery place to me. I prefer Target or Days Market with familiar brands and food that I like eating. 

I hate waking up from perfect dreams. You wake up and things are just the way they were yesterday. 

It's rainy out and I just want to read all day. 

Animals: not a fan. Why do people spend hundreds of dollars to take their dog to the vet? That's what people have children for. 

Every time I look at my toes, I smile. Teal sparkle toes. I love them. 

Why is it human nature for us to feel useless when we are around people who are superior to us? 

Being a mom is more than a full time job, I wonder if I will ever be able to do it. 

I miss Sarah. Not just because I have been gone for a week, but because we haven't been as close these last few months. She's so funny. Being gone reminds me of living in Maryland, she would talk to me on the phone for hours just to comfort me. 

The days go by slow here. Really slow. 

I vow that I will never live in California. Well by choice that is. It's too superficial for me. 

Some days I wonder if I will ever fit in. 

And these are just some of the random thoughts that crowd my brain, minute after minute. 

sorrow found me when i was young

"It's one of those things that people say,' you can't move on until you let go of the past'. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow" 

-Grey's Anatomy 

forever is a long time

Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. 

don't you worry your pretty little mind

eye candyyy. yumm.

Every Sunday, CJ and I have a feature film. (CJ is my older brother's best friend for 13 years and basically my older brother.) The tradition has been going on for a few months or so. We've watched musicals such as Phantom and Mama Mia and many episodes of The Office because Joyous (mi madre) loves to talk and CJ loves to sleep at a decent hour. However, tonight we had some visitors to our tradition. Madison Whitehead, Alex Olsen (older brother's other good friend from growing up. He's very funny and I love him dearly) and of course that means my brother Tanner.  Tonight's flick was originally going to be "The Muppets'' but we ended up watching "Thor" with that very attractive man Chris Hemsworth.

I really love attractive men such as Chris. 

Newport.

Spring Break is ending and oddly I am not that sad. I love breaks, but I also love being at school. Well actually, I love going to school and ditching half my classes. But I love when I have somewhere to be. One day of break, I probably watched 6 or 7 episodes of "One Tree Hill". It's time I go do something. Plus with break ending, it means I am only 4 days away to being on the beach. California, here I come for 8 days. 8 days in the beloved land of California while you people go to school, or send your kids to school, or take a final, (but actually probably not, finals will probably be over). 8 days while you're in Utah and maybe one person in Russia, I will be soaking the sun in California.

I really love California. 

I'll definitely be hanging out with this girl.

21 school days. 21. (Sorry folks, that's minus the 5 days I'll be in Newport, and the 1 day I will be sluffing whether or not I get asked to a particular dance) 21 short days left of high school. I'm all signed up for my college courses, I'm ready to move out (hah, just kidding) but I am ready in the way that I hate living at my home, summer is coming and I am 67.9% positive I'll be spending it in the East Coast again. HELLO DC!!! (More like Virginia this time. Sorry to betray you Maryland folk)  Life's changing kiddo, and there's a lot to look forward to. 

I really love freedom, it's only 6 weeks away. 

on the broadway stage

 I'm still a little shocked.

Straight Superiors. 

Yesterday I didn't want to go to State Drama. 

But boy am I glad I did.

lies in disguise in the name of trust

Everyday I tell myself that it won't be as broken as it was yesterday.  I tell myself that the fighting, anguish, hate, and disappointment will fade. I pretend you love me and that I'm not your biggest burden. You'll be proud someday. You'll accept me for who I am. You'll remember. I promise myself that one day I'll be free from you. Each day, when that sun rises, I believe it will get better. But when the moon appears and the stars show, it's only gotten worse.  I've failed again.  

Everyday I lie to myself. 

But I'm sick of all the pointless fights and the bitterness. So I'm going to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and take them far away from you.  I've decided to stop caring and aching for your love. If you come around, maybe I'll be there. But I simply can't anymore. I just can't put up with it any longer. 

So I'm quitting the lies and accept reality as it is.

B r o k e n.

i'll find strength in pain

Did you know if the sun exploded you wouldn't know for 8 minutes? 

The world will tear you down, beat you up, murder your soul, kill your memories. The world will put you through hell. It will utterly destroy everything you are.

But every 8 minutes, there's still a sun in the sky. 

Maybe, just maybe, the world isn't as dark as it appears

If there's a sun in the sky, there's hope. 

But I still check, just to be sure. 

despite the absence of sun

"Each of us will have our own Fridays- those days when the universe itself seems shattered at the shards of our world lie littered about is in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the one who conquered death, Sunday will come. In the darnkess of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

this world keeps spinning

I was in fourth grade when I decided that Bob the Builder and Helen from "Wait Till Helen Comes" were gonna get married. Jamie Peterson and I had a wedding ceremony behind the pine trees in the most deserted of places at Canyon Crest Elementary School. We brought cookies for the occasion to our whole class. I'm pretty sure Ryan King and Carson Rawle got 5 or 6 each because we liked them. "Why did I get a bajillion cookies?" We just snickered in the back. We thought we were so sneaky.

In fifth grade, Ms. Youd, my math teacher,  gave us "Brownie Points" if we said something smart in class.  One day, Jamie and I went to the "Brownie Point Store" and cashed in all of our brownie points and brought brownies for the whole class.

I remember one night we went to the Jazz game in Salt Lake together. We played "prediddle" the whole way up and I was convinced we had the best seats in the house. We didn't. But I was ecstatic to be there. The whole time she was mad at her dad, of course. She pretty much always was. Jim is a funny guy and Jamie didn't like being teased. I would always laugh and laugh at their relationship. She would storm out "I HATE YOU DAD!" I always liked Jim, it was an act of betrayal on my part. I wasn't supposed to like the enemy. 

Everytime we played "Monopoly" it ended with a screaming fight. I kicked her out of my house, told her she was never welcome again. I'm pretty sure the next day we were playing again. That was just the way it was. We were inseparable. One day, we made a goal to never play that game again. We never did.

I used to have a blow up bouncy house in my back yard. Our favorite thing to do was blow it up and release it while we laid in it. We loved seeing the house fall on us. There was always the moment her mom would call and it would be time for her to go to dance. It was always our least favorite part of the day, saying goodbye. We hated it. The only time I ever hated Martha Peterson was when she came and picked Jamie up in their blue trooper for dance class. Why was she making her daughter do something she didn't enjoy?

For the 6th grade cotillion, we went and got our hair and nails done at the MATC where her sister Marinda went to hair school. We thought we were so pretty. All I wanted was to dance with Leo Roese. See ladies? I thought he was to die for before any of you did.  I can't remember if I did or not, now. But James and I danced and danced the night away.

We'd go to Wills with five dollars and see how much candy we could get out of it. We'd come back with a bag full of candy. Back then, candy was 84 cents. I remember. We'd go to Park City often because I had a condo there. 7-11 was right across the way. We'd get so much candy and ate it until our heads fell off. I sometimes wonder what my mother was thinking. She didn't care, she loved our friendship. She thought it was the best thing ever. We did too.

Park City. We had a one week obsession with ducks.

One time we went to Seattle for Fall Break. My family owns a fun center (similar to Boondocks, but better because it's the original of fun centers) and we would play ticket games with my cousin West all day. Jamie was mad about West. She thought he was the coolest guy ever. After a day or two of obsessive ticket games, my Uncle Scott came and told us we weren't allowed to play ticket games any more. (We got all of our tokens for free so he was allowed to tell us these things) However, we were sad. We were getting pretty good at some games.  One day, my Uncle Shane, West's dad, came up to us and told us that Scott was gone, so we could play all the ticket games we wanted. I am pretty sure we played the coin slot game for 3 hours.

The trip to Seattle was the best. CJ was there, my family, oh goodness. After a fantastic day at the fun center, Jamie and I wanted to get some ice cream from the machine. We put a dollar in, and our ice cream was stuck. So we put another dollar in. Needless to say, we came back with five butterfinger ice cream bars. I'm pretty sure my dad was mad at us.

Needless to say,  I can come up with a millions more memories. Watching the "Concrete Angel" music video in Jamie's kitchen and crying, holding a funeral for dead bunnies we thought were ours, getting in trouble with Mrs. Cunningham for apparently being rude to Remi Callister. We were playing tag and Remi thought we were running away from her. Life with Jamie was so easy. Everything about our friendship was simple. It's weird to think we haven't really talked in years. A facebook chat here and there, and a random trip to Park City our sophomore year. Some days, I miss when it was that easy. One friend that you called and when she couldn't play, you didn't play. Simplicity,  I miss it.

after big springs in 5th grade

We're growing up kiddo.

it comes and goes in waves

"I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

only the young can break away

My room is (still) a mess. There are (still) dishes in the sink. My legs are (completely) sunburned. My car ran (completely) out of gas and I couldn't leave the Timpview parking lot and this week has been (way) too long.

However, life is good. 

I spend literally hours in the sun. I slept, I read, I daydreamed. It was worth ignoring my duties of cleaning. Who cares if there is dishes in the sink? Who cares if the laundry is all over the floor? Who cares that I walked home?  When it's 68 degrees, no clouds in the sky and there is a perfect slight breeze so it doesn't get to hot, you gotta embrace that.

You can't let the mundane tasks of life ruin a perfect day.

Today, I got a sneak peek of summer. 

 Who's complaining now? 

(probably my parents, look at all of things i didn't do, haha)

i crave it.

What a day! 

I finished the yearbook. HALLELUJAH! Honestly, the best thing ever and I saw, relived, quoted, sang and breathed "Thoroughly Modern Millie" again at Orem High.

Of course though, at the end of it, I wanted someone to give me a hug, tell me I did a great job and let me tell them every little thing I was thinking.

*I didn't like the way she said "I'm a pioneer woman pal!*

*His first note on "Oh Sweet Mystery of Life" was absolutely amazing*

*Why didn't they say "DEXTER! COME!"?*

*Why was Bung Fu a girl?*

*At least she could sing*

* The tap dancing! It's amazing!*

*That was my line! My one and only line and he ruined it!* 

*Why was her dress long? And fitted?! ITS STYLISH TO RAISE YOUR SKIRT!*

(Well, I suppose I said most of these things to Zoe.)

However, he'd be more than proud of me for my book and laugh at me for my over-analyzing skills. We'd go on walks and he'd wear button up shirts. He'd lay and stare at the ceiling with me and try to make patterns out of it as I do sometimes. He'd enjoy funny pictures I send him. He'd be great. I hope he's smart. Oh goodness, I love a boy who is smart. Someone who can explain concepts and ideas to me. I hope he can play guitar and we can sing under the stars. Oh how joyous it would be to have a boyfriend!

However, as Mama Tanna would say, "Your time will come." 

But this time I may just ask her, "Soon?"

some say that heaven is far away.

I'm just grateful I believe in life after death. I'm happy I trust in someone bigger than I am. I'm ecstatic that I know where I am going with my life-- I know my desires, hopes, needs and ambitions. I'm grateful God has blessed me with great friends who support me in times in need and a family who puts up with my crap, forgives me when necessary and makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. I'm glad I'm not alone and I'm glad I will never be.

"I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know who I am. I know God's plan. I'll follow him in faith. I believe in the Savior, Jesus Christ. I'll honor his name. I'll do what is right. I'll follow his life. His truth I will proclaim."

I'm a Mormon and I'm proud of it.