Saturday, September 4, 2010

I love my family. I may not show it always, but I do.

Right now I am sitting at the computer with tears streaming down my face. It's so strange. I never cry. I just saw this blog about a family who lost their little girl, 18 months. They called her Jo-Jo. That's my mom's nickname, and we call my little sister Puffy Jo-Jo. I thought about how much they both can drive me crazy especially Puffy Jo-Jo. Tonight I was telling Jake about how sometimes I just feel like I don't love her life I should. She honestly drives me insane 99% of the time. Then I read "So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them." I know Puffs isn't my kid but my little siblings mean the world to me. They honestly do. I can't imagine what it would be like without them. They have taught me one thing : unconditional love. Love that never ends no matter what the circumstance. I think of each of them. Sometimes I wonder, why did we decide to get 3 all at one time? What were we thinking? My parents may or may not be crazy. As a 16 year old in the most awkward phase of my family. (I am middle child, older brother on a mish, sister in college, skip to a seven year old and 2 6 year olds, I AM the odd ball). So as I ask myself "Why 3?" Moments like this remind me of the small tiny moments I spend individually with each of them. All three mean something specifically special to me.

Walker. Walker is the best kid ever. He so dang cute. He is the reason I am who I am today. I think of the years of pain our family went through without him. I think about the day I became his older sister. My parents called and said, "We made it to California, and we have him". About a week later, (maybe sooner but I think they had to stay in Cali a week, they did with Puff puffs), he was in my arms. I have loved him ever since that day, and I always will. Words cannot express the change in our family because of him. He saved us. I can't believe that in a few months he will be 8. 8? Where does the time go?

Maddox. Mad, is crazy. He is. I remember sitting at Golden Corral with my family, and two strangers, in tears. They looked so lost. They were obviously in pain and struggles. They were giving their child to us. They were putting their baby in the arms of strangers, believing we would raise him to the best of our abilities. I remember them crying and crying. They are Kelly and Bobby. They made the hardest decision of their lives. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I wonder where they are. Are they alive? I will never know. That is a moment I will never forget. Never. Never ever. They handed the tiny, tiny, 4 pound baby to us. 6 years later, the kid has a six pack and is a dang good skateboarder. Mad was so small I was afraid to hold him. But I see how big he is now, and its hard to see the 4 pound baby. I can't imagine where his life will take him. One thing is that the number of times he walks by and kicks/hits me will never be able to catch up to the amount of love I have for him. He is crazy, I love him dearly.

Warner. Puff puffs. Little Puffy Jo Jo's nickname came from her birth mom. The day she was born she said that her little cheeks looked like cloud puffs. She has been Puffy, puffy jo jo, h r puff and stuff, coco puffs, huffle puffs, puff puffs, puff daddy, puff the magic dragon and much more since then. I was the first kid to hold her. In our house it was always the big deal of who got to hold them first. The third kid, it was my turn. We had a girl. A little baby girl. I thought she was so fun to dress, and be with. Puffy was my best friend. She only liked me and my mom at the time. I remember the day we got sealed to her. It was the first time all eight of us had been in the sealing room the first time together. As a ten year old and have been to the temple 3 times I thought it was cool. I remember all 8 of us in the room. Ages 14, 12, 10, 1 and a half ,9 months, and 6 month olds, our attention spans were not that long. We got in the sealing room of the Salt Lake Temple and I felt peace. The mirrors, and chandelier caught the kids attention, and we were all together. Forever. It feels good to know that.

These kids mean everything to me. They do. It's not that I do not love Tanner and Jensen. I do. We have a different bond then I have with these kids though. I feel responsible for them. I feel protective. I love them very much so. Although you will probably hear me complain about watching them all the time, this is proof I love them. Because I do. They all mean something to me.

families can be together forever through heavenly father's plan.

No comments:

Post a Comment