You Made It Another Year, Congratulations

There are those people who make your day brighter.

McKann Hanseen does that.

And today is her birthday!

Goodness Gracious. There are 3 zillion amazing things.

She's nice, smart (genius actually), clever, wise ( oh SO wise), She's such a great amazing friend. I don't have to talk to her every day to consider her an incredible friend. She's simply there. She listens. But not to listen because she holds a title of friend. Because she cares.

Friends who care mean more than those that you see every day.

Can I just say McKann is such a blessing in my life?!

Happy Birthday Girl! :) Glad you made it another year. I hope that there is many I can keep you in my life. Even if it's a phone call, or late night chat every once in a while. First of all, it keeps me sane, and second, you just say everything perfectly.

I truly hope you live your dream of helping others. You will be amazing at it.

Mostly I LOVE YOU!!!!

PS. Sorry I NEVER post pictures. My computer is SUPER slow and it never lets me. :(

a strange love

Sometimes I wonder how much you actually gain a love for yourself, or just because of other people.

How much of you is YOU?

My mom is OBSESSED with this band Tears for Fears. Popular in the 80's, hits include: Shout, Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Head over Heals, and of course, you all know Mad World. (No, that was not Gary Jules or Adam Lambert, but the great TFF).

Those songs are good, whatever, but man, this band has talent. (in the less popular songs)

K the main guy Roland Orzabal, (roland as I know it) is pure genius. He uses so much symbolism in his lyrics, consistent song to song.

For instance, many songs he talks about his "four leave clover" which is his wife. Thats just one example. He knows how to rip on people, write about people (yes, my momma) and express everything in hidden ways.

But would I truly love them if it weren't for my mom? I don't know. I guess she just teaches me all the meaning behind them so his music means something.

Famous Last Words (Seeds of Love Album) is amazing. It's about his dad and how they had a horrible relationship and when he died, it was sad but he will change it.

But that's all in hidden words. You listen and you don't understand the whole story, but you get bits and pieces that chills you.

And Woman and Chains- Deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal.

Man great.

His music is also very pretty. Very. (Depending on the song)

Those two are my favorite, easily.

Well, yeah just thought I should declare I love Tears for Fears, but only because I understand his music.

And sometimes its written about my mom. No literally. Roland and my mom are best friends.

So maybe its genetic to love them.

The world may never know.

a melody for mayson

(Music defines my soul.)

Shhh... it's my secret.

ANY MOOD. ANY TIME. ANY WHERE.

love life. friend life. party life. church life. my life.

Whether its Taylor Swift, or MoTab, B.O.B. or James Taylor - I most likely love it.

(mostly if there is meaning)

Music is the poetry I can't read.

Music is the words I can't express.

Music is the feelings I feel.

MUSIC IS ME.

stand up when they can't

Sometimes I find great music :)

LEAD ME

Look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

The Photo.

So I know I already blogged about this song. But there is a picture in this video that I want to talk about. (If I could find it, I would just post it!) It's a picture of Jesus on a park bench with a boy. Gosh, I love that photo. It just reminds me that Jesus is in our lives today, and not just back in the good old days. It tells me that he is there for me. I don't know, it stuck me so hard. I want that painting in my room. I Man, I love the Gospel. I CAN'T WAIT FOR CONFERENCE. There I said it, now the world knows.

nights like tonight

Ok. Today was strange.

It started at my sister's appt. Me and Lyd stayed there last night and watched Titanic til 330 AM. (Saddest movie ever) At 8 we woke up and went to a fashion show.

I was in a fashion show. What the? So not me, I enjoyed it though!

So I went home and did the dishes. Took me FOREVER. Yeah I listened to all 26 Taylor Swift songs on my ipod. :)

Then I was exhausted. I went to Lydia's ward party. Ate food. Yum.

At BJ's party (held at Macall's) I was honestly falling asleep. I was alone in a corner a lot of the night enjoying it though.

Then I shoved Joe's face into a cake. So then we got in a cake fight.

Then as I was running down the street, I lost it. I was so empty and sad. (I know, strange)

So then I was just sitting there on the corner by Days kind of, well behind it, and I reflected on the past. Stookey and Joe joined me. They made me feel better about life. We walked around, and I returned to Macall's.

At Macall's I made some easy mac. Then started to be more and more social.

I even got a record for world's longest handshake with Alex Burdge.

Then he took me home, and I remembered what I had forgotten an hour before.

Why am I here? What is my purpose? Am I significant?

Yeah, I am. The Lord loves us all. Sometimes we lose sight of that, and feel empty, alone, and unimportant.

But guess what? We're not any of those things.

Aren't we lucky?

merry happy

Ok, so if you are in the mood for a super just happy song listen to the song "Five Years Time" by Noah and the Whale. I discovered it in Psychology. Yeah, it's happy. I like the words too, the title reminds me of my life. (yeah. . . ) Good stuff.

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks
And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Cos I’ll be laughing at all your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we used to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes
And drink stupid wine
Cos it’s what we needed to have a good time

And it was fun fun fun
When we were drinking
It was fun fun fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun fun fun
When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun
Oh it was fun

Oh well I look at you and say
It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been
And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she’ll say
Yah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

And it’ll be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it be Love love love
All over her face
And Love love love
All over mine


Although maybe all these moments are just in my head
I’ll be thinking ‘bout them as I’m lying in bed
And all that I believe might never really come true
But in my mind I’m havin’ a pretty good time with you

Oh

Five years time
I might not know you
Five years time
We might not speak
Oh
In five years time
We might not get along
In five years time
You might just prove me wrong

Oh there’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love

Wherever you go there’ll be love

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."

favorite hymn.

I know that my Redeemer lives.
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead.
He lives, my ever-living Head.

He lives to bless me with his love.
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed.
He lives to bless in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.
http://www.free-lyrics.org

He lives, my kind, wise heav’nly Friend.
He lives and loves me to the end.
He lives, and while he lives, I’ll sing.
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.
He lives, and I shall conquer death.
He lives my mansion to prepare.
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

Sometimes you have to lose something very valuable to realize what it is worth.

Then it is gone.

There is no turning back.

There is no before.

It's in the past.

You have said your goodbyes.

You accept it and move on.

But there are moments where you are reminded of that which you have lost.

Moments of grief.

Moments of sorrow.

Moments of happiness.

Remembering that it is gone, gone forever, kills me.

But I have accepted this.

I must move on.

Although I miss you, I don't want you back.

I can't want you back.

I can't have you back.

Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

I am just waiting for something better.

I love my family. I may not show it always, but I do.

Right now I am sitting at the computer with tears streaming down my face. It's so strange. I never cry. I just saw this blog about a family who lost their little girl, 18 months. They called her Jo-Jo. That's my mom's nickname, and we call my little sister Puffy Jo-Jo. I thought about how much they both can drive me crazy especially Puffy Jo-Jo. Tonight I was telling Jake about how sometimes I just feel like I don't love her life I should. She honestly drives me insane 99% of the time. Then I read "So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them." I know Puffs isn't my kid but my little siblings mean the world to me. They honestly do. I can't imagine what it would be like without them. They have taught me one thing : unconditional love. Love that never ends no matter what the circumstance. I think of each of them. Sometimes I wonder, why did we decide to get 3 all at one time? What were we thinking? My parents may or may not be crazy. As a 16 year old in the most awkward phase of my family. (I am middle child, older brother on a mish, sister in college, skip to a seven year old and 2 6 year olds, I AM the odd ball). So as I ask myself "Why 3?" Moments like this remind me of the small tiny moments I spend individually with each of them. All three mean something specifically special to me.

Walker. Walker is the best kid ever. He so dang cute. He is the reason I am who I am today. I think of the years of pain our family went through without him. I think about the day I became his older sister. My parents called and said, "We made it to California, and we have him". About a week later, (maybe sooner but I think they had to stay in Cali a week, they did with Puff puffs), he was in my arms. I have loved him ever since that day, and I always will. Words cannot express the change in our family because of him. He saved us. I can't believe that in a few months he will be 8. 8? Where does the time go?

Maddox. Mad, is crazy. He is. I remember sitting at Golden Corral with my family, and two strangers, in tears. They looked so lost. They were obviously in pain and struggles. They were giving their child to us. They were putting their baby in the arms of strangers, believing we would raise him to the best of our abilities. I remember them crying and crying. They are Kelly and Bobby. They made the hardest decision of their lives. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and I wonder where they are. Are they alive? I will never know. That is a moment I will never forget. Never. Never ever. They handed the tiny, tiny, 4 pound baby to us. 6 years later, the kid has a six pack and is a dang good skateboarder. Mad was so small I was afraid to hold him. But I see how big he is now, and its hard to see the 4 pound baby. I can't imagine where his life will take him. One thing is that the number of times he walks by and kicks/hits me will never be able to catch up to the amount of love I have for him. He is crazy, I love him dearly.

Warner. Puff puffs. Little Puffy Jo Jo's nickname came from her birth mom. The day she was born she said that her little cheeks looked like cloud puffs. She has been Puffy, puffy jo jo, h r puff and stuff, coco puffs, huffle puffs, puff puffs, puff daddy, puff the magic dragon and much more since then. I was the first kid to hold her. In our house it was always the big deal of who got to hold them first. The third kid, it was my turn. We had a girl. A little baby girl. I thought she was so fun to dress, and be with. Puffy was my best friend. She only liked me and my mom at the time. I remember the day we got sealed to her. It was the first time all eight of us had been in the sealing room the first time together. As a ten year old and have been to the temple 3 times I thought it was cool. I remember all 8 of us in the room. Ages 14, 12, 10, 1 and a half ,9 months, and 6 month olds, our attention spans were not that long. We got in the sealing room of the Salt Lake Temple and I felt peace. The mirrors, and chandelier caught the kids attention, and we were all together. Forever. It feels good to know that.

These kids mean everything to me. They do. It's not that I do not love Tanner and Jensen. I do. We have a different bond then I have with these kids though. I feel responsible for them. I feel protective. I love them very much so. Although you will probably hear me complain about watching them all the time, this is proof I love them. Because I do. They all mean something to me.

families can be together forever through heavenly father's plan.

I love XC

The Hyrum stretch, classic

Honestly, I just love Cross Country. I do. I can't explain it. I just can't. People ask me why I do it. I never know what to say. I don't have this passion for running. I have come to love it, but it didn't start that way. Words cannot explain why. The people are great. I feel a lot of progress in myself. It is such a great environment. My favorite is running to the river to ice. Oh man, I love doing that. It is a simple easy run, and you get to jump in a river. What fun? I used to hate nature. But when I am at XC all I can hope for is to come back somewhat muddy, take my shoes off in the wet grass, and enjoy the dirty water all over my body. Gosh, the people at XC make my day a better day. They honestly do. All of them. Male, female, coach, dragonfly. Whatever it may be. I have another race tomorrow. I love racing. Not physically doing it. But it is the feeling. A feeling that I accomplished something great. A feeling that I am worth something. A feeling of support, trust, and strength. A feeling I can't describe until you do it.

Basically, the best decision I have made all my years at Timpview was joining cross country. I'd do it if I were you. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

winners never quit.