i feel like i've seen a ghost

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be . . . so take it for what it is and live it up."

I love this. I look at me doing this all the time.

Don't we all find ourselves saying, "Life was so good when. . ."

I do this almost daily.

Until I talked to Bronwen for a good, LONG time, about a LOT of things.

I didn't enjoy that portion of my life. I was miserable. But unfortunately I have been the type of person to always see the grass GREENER on the other side. But I am done with that.

The present isn't as bad as I make it out to be.

I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, people who love me, people I love, the Gospel. I am a fortunate girl. I feel very blessed.

I should not WORRY so much about the future. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Everything will be OK. I know it.

a tribute to a few men

I spent the weekend with a few men. First let me tell you what consists of a man. Davey Rockwood puts it as "men are both steel and velvet" (Davey is one of the men I spent the weekend with, what a great guy, him and April are so cute) What does this mean? Well it means that they can be tough and tender. You can't have a guy with only one side. It just doesn't work. (I PROMISE)

So I want to make a tribute to the men I spent the weekend with.

First, there is Ian.

Ian is the best kid I have ever met. He is such a gentleman. He treated all the girls like royalty all trip. The longer I was with him, the more I loved him. He was always sharing his extra food, lending his jacket to a cold girl, opening doors, all the things a man can do. Goodness, I love Ian. He is such a good kid.

Then there is Andrew.

Can I just say I love him? Andrew sat there on the bus, listening to Catie, Dania, Bronwen, and me talk about boys, the gospel and whatever for the bus ride all the way to California. I loved it when he would join in and say something. I love that he knows where he is going with his life. Andrew is amazing. Andrew, you are NOT a bretch. What the bones? How is your hair so great and you never use conditioner?

Also, Tanner.

Tanner, Tanner, Tanner. Dear Tanner, when you flip those quarters, you flip my heart too. That is part of a song we wrote him. (It's a great song by the way, to bad we never sang it to him) Tanner is such a funny boy. He may stink at Tetris but he smells good so that makes up for it. Tanner wears sweaters to dinner, and to me, he is magic. (In many ways, if you want to know why, check out Dania's video on facebook, his quarter trick, or the way he runs) T-A-N-N-E-R. You are my shining star, I love to travel far, with you. (chorus to our song)

Alex.

Alex doesn't talk much. A boy who can have a little bromance, speak french, and be so adorable is a man. He doesn't get in much trouble and he sticks along with Ian. Plus he is a foreign exchange student.

I guess we have Joe.

Joe- Joe. One day he will be a man. But for now he will stay the cute little freshman he is. I love this kid. He is crazy. Sometimes we will be sitting there and he will burst out in random songs. He says the funniest things ever. I feel bad, I threw him in a bush as a joke. Then the bush was prickly. (Tanner didn't help either, we were teaching the kid a lesson, we'll pretend like we did it for Danny) Joe is insane. He steals huge banners from footlocker. He just goes around giving everyone hugs. I just love the little guy.

Plus, all these guys get man points for watching all of A Cinderella Story with me. I had the whole bus quiet during that movie, that is impressive.

Finally, we have Frenchie.

Frenchie was the best bus driver you could ask for. He was just so easy to get along with, he made us laugh, he made some of us cry. (Almost me even) Frenchie was so funny. But as we were about to trade bus drives he gave a little speech. It started with him singing "God Be With You Til We Meet Again" in French. Then he went on to talk about how parents don't get to go to school to be parents. He told us to thank our parents for all they did. He went on to talk about when we go to school to look for the good in others and forget the bad. He basically bore his whole testimony to us. It was so inspirational. I love him. He is the perfect example of a man. I love you Frenchie.

I love these men. I do.

One day, I will have a man of my own. I dream of him being wonderful and great.

To sum it all up...

a day in the life of a teenage girl

Woke up, fixed my hair and threw on some clothes.

Then I went to Astronomy, and Drama.

Financial Lit followed. Me and KC were "fighting" again.

Today I threw his things in the garbage can. He broke my pen.

Welcome to 2nd grade my friends.

Lunch was good. Don't you just love people that you can always ask great spiritual questions and they either know, were thinking the same thing, or have an answer? That was a good part of the day. I love the gospel. :)

Then went to SEOP's.

Then as I was walking out with Catie, Bronwen, my most favorite being ever in the world, calls me.

I go find her to find the best news of the day, SHE IS GOING TO FOOTLOCKER!!!

Did you know I freaking LOVE that girl?

As I was walking home, Caleb and Trent picked me up.

Then we went to Wal Mart.

And that is my day so far.

Now I must do my laundry.

I love you all.

Girls just use their blogs to talk about boys... I will do the same.

Hmmmmm....

Moving on? Eh?

I would have to say I have definitely taken some major steps.

Like today, when I walked into to yearbook and told Mary that I didn't hate her anymore. I guess I never hated her, but I was jealous, so jealous.

(She was shocked, I laughed because she never knew of my secret jealousy hahahaha... sometimes we are all silly, just plain silly, plus apparently they are third cousins)

I said hi to him today. Usually I just walk by and pretend he is not there, like he doesn't exist, but I even said his name. And this time, he said hello back, and even said my name in return.

I didn't look at sparkly jeans today and want to throw up. I just nicely smiled as I walked out of the classroom.

He wasn't in my dream last night.

I found a Taylor Swift song that does NOT remind me of him. (That my dear followers, is an accomplishment)

I thought of another boy, for like forever. I even texted Mady about how he may be the boy of my dreams. I actually have a crush on a different boy.

I put him back in my phone as a contact. When I am mad at him, which usually indicates I secretly want him back more then anything, I delete him. ( That doesn't mean anything, I have his number memorized... lame stuff that memory of mine) But I finally decided I didn't care enough anymore and put him in my phone.

(If you wanna know what his name is, be bold enough to ask, it is funny)

And I didn't think once about last November until after lunch today, and that only lasted half a second, and I didn't think about it once until now, and it is fading, fading....

Yet, I still dedicate another post to the dumb boy.

Some day I will be past that too.

Here comes the sun... California here I come. :)

Speak NOW

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve begun to fear more than that is letting

the moment pass without saying anything.away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying

are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn’t speak up. When we didn’t say ‘I love you.’ When we should’ve said

‘I’m sorry.’ When we didn’t stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe

it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk

away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your

head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying

are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

So say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror.

Say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions

might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on

your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘I

could’ve, but it’s too late now.’

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your

turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know

what you need to say, you’ll know it.

I don’t think you should wait. I think you should

speak now.

Thank you Taylor Swift.

I have found this to be quite the concept, say things when you mean it. Say it, out loud. Just say it.

There's a quote from one of my favorite movies....

[McKann, I am pretty sure you watched that movie with me the first time, I probably wouldn't say I am copying you. If you didn't watch it with me, it has been my favorite for years :)]

If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just... Passes you by...

In life, sometimes you learn things the hard way, and sometimes you learn them too late.

This time I learned it too late.

My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I have been a decently good girl this year. I didn't pull any pranks, I kept my manners, and I was nice to most people most of the time. There is just a few things I would like this year.

A Dishwasher- See the thing is, after 12 months of no dishwasher, and months and months of being the only one who does the dishes in my family, I would say, I have earned one. I understand I used to complain about doing the dishes when I had one, but my heart has changed.

Running Shoes- On Thursday I only ran 4 miles and my feet had blisters. Can you understand that my feet need something new, something happy? Please note- I hate Nike's.

My Brother- Ok, Christmas can come in July. :) (MORE LIKE JUNE!!!) But it would be amazing if we (as in me, my momma, dad, and Jensen- note, no little people), could go pick him up in Baltimore. Did you know that DC is just one train ride away from Baltimore. :)

Finally....

A Boyfriend- I knew I blew it last time around but this time I will be nice, and good to the poor kid. I would never ever treat him the way I treated.... him... All I am saying is, I'm a bit lonely. Going through high school with no boy is lame.

I guess if the whole boyfriend thing doesn't work out, I would also like Harry Potter, Carrie Jube, and Taylor Lautner cardboard cut outs.

Thanks.

Love,

Mayson

You always said "Fate is against us" and it was.

My mind forgets to remind me your a bad idea.

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

But I never planned on you changing your mind

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

I said remember this moment in the back of my mind

Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame

If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures please tell them my name

You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time but I never thought I'd live to see it break.

I thought I had you figured out... now I'm haunted

All you're ever gonna be is mean and a liar, and pathetic

I used to know my place was a spot next to you now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

Oh, a simple complication, miscommunications lead to fall out

So many things that I wish you knew

And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me?

And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

And we're not speaking

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less

Here I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again

Drop everything now