the landslide will bring you down

I'm sorry for all of the ways I hurt you.

You've changed. I've changed.
It's time I accept that, hold my head high and walk away

When I talk to you, it's weird to think we used to be best friends.

Unspoken confrontation, instead we small-talk of this and that.

I just wanna know something...

What do you really think of me?

a great deal to say

Today was a day full of decisions.

Exhibit A: I woke up late. I decided to get ready, take my time and show up late to class. I could have rushed out the door, but I decided that today I felt like getting ready.

Exhibit B: When I woke up late and went to school, I had every intention of making it to all of my classes today. That didn't happen. I thought eating food and hanging out with Lauren would be more fun then going to class and hanging out with Lauren.

Exhibit C: I was about to go home, then I decided I wanted to talk to V. Ords. On the way, I got distracted, talked to fake-bakes (yeah, Cassidy Baker)  for a little, went and helped Hollyberry (my new nickname for Bowers) plan her lesson and talked to some random people in the hall.

Exhibit D: I watched Beauty and the Beast. Then I decided that Belle is easily my favorite princess. It has been a tie between Belle and Ariel forever. But today I finally decided. Belle is just fantastic.

Exhibit E: I took my homework to babysit. I ended up watching two episodes of "Lie to Me" (which I justified because it's technically extra credit for psych)

Exhibit F: I decided to finally write my college essays. But I also decided to be content with failing a test tomorrow, (by a lot) turning in less than half my notes, and having more redos to do. I'm already failing anyway. I know I will get all of this up eventually, I know myself too well. I don't feel the necessity to stress yet.

Exhibit G: Now it's time to start getting ready for bed because my mom convinced me I don't want to be tired for my mutual activity.

Pretty much all I did today was make a bunch of dumb decisions and wasted my time. Sounds like me lately.

who knows? who cares?

me: after a night of being with my friends

me: before a night of doing psych homework

I'm a senior. I can feel it in my bones and see it in my grades.

dead in days of dreaming

What if? 

A four letter pronoun and a tiny conjunction-- if combined make the two most dangerous words in the English language.

(So... what if?)

chase you with a rolling pin

"I have a terrific idea, why don't you go underwater while I count to a million?"

gotta love princess diaries 2. so funny.

you look like a fool to me

I have three words to say to you: 

You're an idiot.

Oh wait I have a few more: 

You suck.

And: 

Thanks for nothing.

alright, stop collaborate and listen.

CONFESSIONS

10 Random Facts about Me

1. I hate being with large groups of people. They intimidate me, no matter how confident I appear to be. I also hate "small talk" which is another reason why large crowds aren't my dealio. I prefer super  small groups, one on one or being alone.

2. I like to bathe more than I like showering. Some people think taking baths are gross but I think that after a long day, I like a good bath.

3. I honestly do not have one care in the world what people think of me. The exact reason I haven't gotten ready in weeks and I wear sweat pants all of the time lately. It's getting bad.

4. I used to think crying was a form of weakness. I still do, but I cry all the time. Proposals, movies, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and even my own feelings makes me cry. Wow. I AM a girl.

5. It's NOT my birthday. And it hasn't been anytime this week.

6. I like being with adults better than teenagers. Brother Dykstra, Sister Anthony, and Mrs. Van Orden are probably my three favorite people on earth.

7. I'm intimidated by people who everyone loves. Even if they are my good friend. I just feel like I can never live up to them and I wonder why they would be my good friend.

8. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I ask people how they are and they just say "good." I ask because I want to know how you are.  I like honest answers.  Tired, fine, okay, fantastic, peachy (personal favorite)-- Those are honest answers. If you really are good, that's good. But I don't believe that most people are generally good, I believe there is more to what people are feeling.

9. I have 7 Pandora stations I listen to. Local Natives, Mumford and Sons, Damien Rice, Disney, Michael Buble Holiday,  Ingrid Michaelson and Taylor Swift. My favorite is between Ingrid and Local Natives. Two different, chill styles of music. I feel my Pandora stations say a lot about who I am.

10. For my last confession, I admit it, I like taking pictures on photobooth. Even by myself. I'm not full of myself or anything, I just get bored sometimes. That's the truth.

make 'em laugh

I just love funny people.

People like Sower Patch (Danielle) or Peaves. When I laugh so hard it hurts. It was a great night with these kiddos.

Or Shazzmatazz (L-Fabes) when she reinvents songs. I can't think of a funnier thing she does.

Iszy. Knell. Freaking funniest person ever! I reread some of our emails. Goodness gracious, she's just funny.

Finally, me. I am the funniest person that I know. I just can't help laugh at myself because I am hilarious.


(Okay, I admit it, that was only partially sarcastic. You know you have laughed at me once or twice. All of those times you thought you were laughing AT me, really I just started laughing myself so you were laughing WITH me. Tricked ya!I am funny just because I am funny. We all know I am funny. Hahahahahaha just kidding. I really am not that full of myself. Sometimes I just laugh at myself because no one else has for a while.)

PS. Common thread? Did you notice it? Yep. We are all on yearbook. We are great.

it will set you free

There will come a time when love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there. 

-After the Storm, Mumford and Sons

my bones are shifting in my skin

Alone with my thoughts. 

That's where I wanna be. 

Always. 

No need to feel ashamed, fake, or forgotten. 

Just let me be. 

Alone.

pulling the puzzles apart

This explains it all.

marry me, today and everyday

Sometimes I just cry at how cute this is. As in, I totally cried. Honestly, talk about the cutest proposal ever.

i've been changing

As a freshman, if you told me that I was going to be yearbook editor and student body vice president-- I wouldn't have believed you.

As a freshman, if you were to tell me I would join cross country, I would have asked for you to shoot me first. 

As a freshman if you were to tell me who I was going to Prom with, my first date, my first kiss, that I would like this person or that person-- I would have wondered who the heck  half those people were or why the heck I would ever like them.

As a freshman, if you were to tell me I would be in Advanced Drama, Musical Theater, in the school play and considering trying out for the Shakespeare play, I probably would have laughed in your face. Me? A drama nerd? Yeah right. As a freshman, I was "too cool" for things like that.

I guess what I am saying that in four years, I have changed. I feel like a completely different person. I just wouldn't have expected anything in my life to be this way.

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Despite all of the changes, I still have the same best friends. They are so solid. I have the most dependable, loyal, greatest friends ever. We have our fun traditions (like midnight movies, dollar store night and Christmas exchange), we have had our wonderful memories, we've even had our fights and disagreements. But it seems that no matter what happens, these girls have been here for me. I am forever grateful for the love and support they have given me throughout the years. I am also forever excited to spend my future with them. It's been a good 6 years with these guys as my best friends, and I honestly cannot wait for  the next 60 to come.

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PS. As a freshman, (and really way back to elementary school), I would not have guessed that Emily Curtis would be the hot babe she is today. No offense Em, but really, where did you come from?! Hot dang girlfriend!

somewhere only we know

The buzz of the lights on a silent hall, memories flood my brain. 

The voice in my head hushes them. 

Time spent alone remains bitter, for dwelling on yesterday's together.

For a path to gather moments and a reason to remember them. 

Dimmed lights, quiet buzz.

(A memory never fades.)

No matter how hard we try to forget.

drench yourself in words unspoken

"Because silence is nothing,  and nothing is so full of words."

-Mimi Hamblin

(Yeah, I stalked Mimi's poetry and discovered this, the respect I have for that girl is insanely up the wazoo, she is absolutely incredible)

oh wouldn't it be nice?

As opposed as I am to high school romance and boyfriends, after 15 and a half hours working on yearbook, being sick as a dog, crying, laughing, and basically almost dying--it would have been nice.

It would have been nice to have someone to text every little detail about the day.

It would have been nice to have someone to call at the end of it, someone to look forward to.

It would have been nice to have someone to come over and hug you and not let go until you say so.

It would have been nice to have someone smile at you and tell you all of your work would worth it.

Man, it would have been nice to be in love today, oh it would have been nice.

(talk about bad timing)

PS. 300th published blog post. Wow. I need a life. 

my heart stumbles on things I don't know

 It's just one big headache. 

One huge physical, emotional, mental headache. 

Close your eyes, take a breather, slow down a little, Mayson. 

(I just want to know the ending to the story)

despite my growing fears

Push aside the stress, the confusion, the frustration, the mixed feelings, the limitations--

I am content. 

(and all is well)

swim when it hurts

currents will pull you away from your love. 

i swim for better days despite the absence of sun.

just keep your head above.

(swim)

seal my heart and break my pride

Mumford and Sons. 

Local Natives.

Give me more. Please. I can't get enough.

goodbye, my hopeless dream

He's not a heart in a box. 

He never has been and he never will be. 

That's exactly it. 

It's a simple as that. 

He is not a heart in a box.

one year older and wiser too

Some birthday's you sit there and you think, "this day is like any other, it's not that great"

And some birthday's are the best ever.

It may be walking into Student Gov and everyone cheering for you, candy waiting on your desk, birthday notes all over the school (gotta admit it, awkward at first).

Then John Oldroyd makes the few people in Journalism sing to you, and you meet some super cool people in Mr. Ashton's room.

Lunch at Zupas. Surprise Ice Cream Party in Yearbook. Yogurt Land.  La Jolla Groves. Candy Store. (I kind of LOVE food)

New shoes, movies, mall shopping.

Getting asked not only on ONE but THREE dates. (Let's be real, that's a rare occasion!)

And now McKann is picking me up to go to Farr's Fresh. LOVELY. 


But come on now,  let's be honest, I had the best birthday ever because I have the best friends ever.