but that's the way it goes

You know when you want something, but you don't, but you do? I hate that feeling.

Exhibit A: BYU is a great school full of great people. If I were able to go there, that would be great. But then football season starts, and all of the sudden I have no desire to go there anymore. "Go cougs!" "Rise and Shout!" "BYU!!!" Freak EVERYONE, it's COLLEGE FOOTBALL. I hate when BYU status' clog up my news feed on Facebook. All of these people who believe it is BYU or nothing bug the heck out of me.  One moment, BYU sounds like the best idea in the world to me, and the next the thought of going there makes me want to puke. I don't want to have to decide where to go to college. I don't want to have to think about the factors that go into it. (Money, education, future husband. . . ) College is creeping up way too soon for me. Too many decisions to make, way too fast.

Exhibit B: Did you know in precisely two months (a little less than that now) I turn 18? What the freak? I am not old enough to be an actual adult. Turning 18 does me jack-diddly until I graduate. I still have to live at my house and follow rules. So really, I guess moving out is the thing I cannot wait for. Except that means all of the sudden I am responsible for paying for myself. I don't know if I am ready for that. I want to move out, but somehow have my life paid for at the same time.

 Exhibit C: Sometimes having a boy sounds so desirable. Oh goodness, doesn't it? Someone to talk to, text, cuddle, care about you, to kiss in the rain (okay and not in the rain) Oh but having a boy makes me want to punch a wall. Okay not really, I just don't want a boy. But I do. Okay, let's be real, I DON'T. But sometimes I am human too and I want someone to care.

Life is coming at me fast. I don't know what to do with it. It's scary, I'm nervous and I just want to sleep through all of it.