all this time you were pretending. . .

. . . so much for my happy ending.

Eh. I hate when we talk because I never know how I am supposed to feel.

I want to hate you, burn your picture, and slap you in the face.

But I can't. I don't. I won't. And I will never.

I promised you that I would never turn you into a burned picture, just like the others.

( and I will never again slap you, I think I did that one night at the football game- I think so, I obviously cannot remember)

I kept my promise.

You promised me, (your exact words)

"But one thing I just wanted to make clear to you today: I'm really not going to give up. Ever! Even if it takes five years, or if you don't want me there for the rest of your life. I'm still going to be there for you, and anytime you need something, I'll be there."

And that promise is broken.

"Even if you do (give up), I'm not going to"

"I just want you to see how much I can't stand the thought of losing you. As someone who exists and says an occasional hi in the halls, as a friend, as a best friend that actually cared for one of the first times in my life, and as my sunshine. "

Can anyone see why I hate him? Why I want to hate him? Why I can't hate him?

"I know that guy who sent those emails is somewhere down inside of you. But, I can't wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless, and disappointing."

...every time I look in the mirror, the past is gone...

According to Google a friend is a "person you know well and regard with affection and trust"

I have had a lot of friends in my life. Some come and go. Hardly anyone is there still. (Now that I think of it I know no one who has been around forever accept maybe my sister Jensen, she is my best friend) It is hard to stay friends with people. Circumstances change. Places change. Things change. People change.We change. Sometimes we can't accept the change. We can't. We simply can't. I look at a long list of people in my life I cannot accept the change. It breaks my heart that this many people have faded from my life. Some left in an instant. Some slowly drifted.

But I love the people who we can instantly reunite and it seems that we are the best of the best although I haven't seen them in months.

I hate the people who just are different. No I don't hate THEM, I hate that they are different. I see (some of) them a lot. Sometimes twice a day, and I am nothing to them. It is as if our friendship never existed. How could I not exist to you after everything we went through?

My heart aches for those people. My heart aches because of these people.

I love the friend that I go up to and I say "I have a note from you!" and she says the exact same thing. Thank you notes from seminary. We think of each other.

I hate the people who simply don't care anymore. Ouch, how could that be?

"You got to lose to know how to win" I wish I understood why. Well I do, but reality still hurts.

Nothing will change between any of us, unfortunately.

And I will continue to cry because of that.

(PS. I LOOOVE that we ever took a picture together. Not sure why! You meant EVERYTHING TO ME at one point. Someday I will take a picture with you so we can have one so when I point to the pictures to my children when I am old and say "That's him")

Dear You, You, You, You, probably You, You, and that guy over there,

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I miss all of you. I do. But I am pretty sure you are ok. I hope all is well.

Love,

Mayson

i wanna know what love is.

I can't wait to get married and be in love. :) And since that is far far away, (not ages away but not anywhere in the next 2 or 3 years at LEAST), I can just watch other people be in love. Yeah, it's cute.

need I say more?

The Tree and a Little Walkway

I saw a tree and it reminded me of you.

You know this tree.

You remember.

I was picking off the leaves, and berries, throwing them, angry.

It was spring.

You were concerned, you cared, at the moment.

Moments later, you drowned.

And then it was over.

So when I saw the tree I thought of you.

Then I drove a little more.

I saw a wall, a little walkway and I thought of you.

You know this place.

You remember.

You held my hand and I loved that moment. Its truly one one of my favorite memories.

That was when you cared, so much. That's when I cared.

Back to the tree, I drove by again. This time, I took the time to notice the tree was dead.

The leaves were mostly gone, and the berries on the ground.

We are the tree.

And now that we are dead, I will find someone new for the spring season.

Winter is here, and when spring comes, I will not bloom for you.

"Stupid girl, I should have known. . . "

my best friend

Have you ever wondered what a best friend is?

Let me tell you.

A best friend is the person who you can call at 9 PM on a Monday night, go get Krispy Kreme donuts, wait outside in the freezing cold with shorts on to get into an apartment building just to give your sister a donut, and yes, not even give your sister a donut and not complain.

A best friend stands by your decisions.

A best friend truly cares about you in every way. They want you to succeed and make it to the top.

A best friend will pay for your homecoming shoes when they are buy one get one half off and then after you fail to pay them back completely, for your birthday they write you a well thought out note, and tell you that you don't owe them the $8 anymore.

A best friend can make you laugh and will laugh with/at you. They have similar type of humor and even love you when you are crazy.

A best friend will go with you to a bookstore for hours just reading all different types of books.

A best friend makes you want to become a better person and helps you when you need a push.

A best friend will lay on the benches at a restaurant with you when you are the only ones in the restaurant and just talk to you.

A best friend understand the meaning of having pizza for at least one meal for 4 days in a row and encourages to keep the cycle going.

A best friend comes to your house after school even if there is nothing to do there.

A best friend listens to you talk about the same old boy and how much you care/hate him, how you don't even act like a normal broken up couple but more of a divorced couple and still continues to help you move on with your life.

A best friend will eat lunch with you when you need to stay to do homework although they could have left.

A best friend will sing songs about zoos, elephants and love real loud and horrible with you day after day.

A best friend doesn't consider high school to be the end of the friendship.

A best friend doesn't question why you took a online Harry Potter sorting club test, but asks you for the website to email it them-self.

A best friend doesn't look like you like you are an idiot when you want to transfer out of your super hard math class into the super easy one, but transfers in with you to the super easy one.

A best friend supports senior crushes, even when you are a junior, and even has one too.

A best friend waits for you to walk down from seminary and even cares about what you learned and wants to know.

A best friend is open with you and trusts you.

A best friend is Sarah Louie Thayne.