sing for the years.

Fearing unknown and the mysteries of life, God asks us to step into the fog, and go forward with faith. It's sad to say goodbye to many loved ones, so uncertain what the future will hold. But God has a plan for me and I'm headed into this dark and scary world to preach His gospel and defend his faith. 

After my mission, I don't plan to keep up this blog. It's time to start a new chapter in my life. This blog has so many memories of so many petty experiences in my life-- memories that will mean little as I begin my new adventures. This blog also shared some of my deepest feelings and emotions throughout my high school experiences and into my first year of college. The song lyrics, the pictures, the drama-- it all meant something to me then, and I'm glad I can remember it through my blog. 

So thanks to the 4 people who read it throughout the years and sharing your petty deep thoughts throughout the years with me and the world wide web. Maybe one day I'll create a blog as hilarious as Meg Morley Walter's or as inspiring as Nie Nie's. Until then, catch ya on the flip side. 

Thanks for the memories. 

Mayson Claire Astle

(If you want on my email list for my mission, comment/message me on Facebook. Feel free to email me at mayson.astle@mylds.net)

make the most of the night

I suppose happiness isn't a destination we arrive at.
Maybe it's something what we find along the way. 
And pick up in pieces, one bit at a time.
Little by little, searching for happiness.
Maybe you'll just find one million little things that bring you joy.
But those little things will add up to what the whole world is searching for,
A happy life.

anyone with a broken heart

"How is it that billions of people roam the earth, yet so many of us are all alone?"

"I suppose God must know what he's doing."

i miss your face like hell

Sometimes you miss the person that is five miles away. Calling them wouldn't help, they probably wouldn't answer. Sometimes they're across the country, or destined to be in far away lands. And their quirks became your own,  now a simple word sheds light on memories buried in the deepest corner of your mind. Sometimes the worst way to miss someone is when they're just across the room. Awkward silence and distant stares fill the room. Sometimes you miss the person you talk to all day long or you miss the person you see every day. Because the situation is different and it's just not the same anymore. 

But the fact is, missing them isn't enough to bring them back.

one more spoon of cough syrup

“So, this is my life. I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

the last song that i write while still in love with you

your faith was strong

Aren't we 16 and heartbroken? Since when were we grown up and responsible? I can't believe this day is here. We've only talked about it a gazillion times.  He's been one of my best friends and he's been the best example to me. He honestly makes me laugh when I'm crying, He reminds me I am never alone. My heart holds a special place for this guy. Peru is lucky to have him.

"Go ye now in peace and know that the love of God will guide you, feel his presence here besides you, showing you the way. In your times of trouble, when hurt and despair are there to grieve you, know that the Lord will never leave you. He will bring your courage. Know that the God who sent his son to die that you might live, will never leave you lost and alone in his beloved world. Go ye now in peace."

I love you Elder Wheatley. Thanks for everything. And like you said, it's only two years right? 

all packed up and getting out of here

Two and a half years ago, I promised myself this would never be my home.
I hated every bit of my life, bitter and angry, I told myself I'd never accept this place.
I was embarrassed about the move, I was ashamed of my parents, I was upset.
8 months of construction followed. 
The worst 8 months of my life.
Our whole main floor was being torn about with my mom's own two hands.
7 of us were crammed in 3 rooms, no kitchen, hardly any money to our name.
I felt alone and bitter. This place could never be my home.
It was hell.

I look around at my half packed room, clothes all over the floor.
I still don't have carpet installed and I haven't had closet doors since we moved in.
My walls are painted half blue and the air conditioning doesn't function properly.
The toilet in my bathroom is still hideous pink and the boys still haven't learned how to flush it.
I laugh each time I remember we still don't have a railing and we have a broken baby gate so Maddox doesn't fall down the stairs when he sleep walks.

This place is far from perfect but it is everything my home is.

Home is coming home from a long day of school and activites and having Puffy greet me with a hug.
Home is the countless hours I've spent listening to music while doing the dishes.
Home is a skate ramp in my garage because that's just the way my dad is.
Home is stickers on my door and writing that says "Maddox" all over it.
Home is the annoyance that my TV always has to be on during family dinner.
Home is rushing to get the perfect Sunset photo at 7:45.
Home is loud. Crazy loud. One million little people, big people, all over the place, going and going.
Home is the leftover Little Caesars boxes and Wills Pit Stop Cups all over the place.

I've been so excited for freedom.
No more doing dishes for 8 million, or arguing with my parents.
No more little kids yelling at me or watching dumb tv shows or babysitting.
Freedom. I get to do what I want when I want.

Nothing breaks my heart more than saying goodbye to home.
I can't imagine what it is going to be like to not see punk Maddox every day or Walker saying something ridiculous like "I'm not sitting down, I'm kneeing" No, not kneeling, kneeing.
And don't get me started on Puffy.
She's my little best friend. I love her more than anything I can explain.
Little Puffers has been through a lot for an 8 year old and I just see this amazing human being she is going to grow up into.
I love the way she youtubes Primary songs and asks me to read the scriptures to her.
She has the most special spirit I've ever seen in a person.
Truth of the matter is, these kids have been my best friends for almost ten years.
These kids are my home.
They are my everything.
And it breaks my heart to know I won't be around as much.
I'm going to miss their daily innocent laughs and the silly things they say.

I'm saying goodbye to home so I can make my dreams into reality and grow up. It's time. I'm ready. Four days from now I'll be out. I'll be free. It's all I've ever wanted.

"Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true, well isn't it?"

If that's the case, why am I bawling my eyes out? 

what's there to complain about?

I gazed at her hair, longer than mine, I wanted it.
Two days later, it was gone all of it.

One week earlier, she was at the beach with her three kids.
She lived a normal life.
Taking her kids to dance practice, and teaching them how to read. 

She seized, went to the doctor, they found a golf ball sized tumor in her brain. 
Surgery went, along with the luscious locks I desired days earlier. 
Just devastating.

Three weeks later we had our annual family reunion.
Was she going to be there?
Would she go out in public?
Everyone wondered.

But up she came with her three little kids.
Her scarves and hats came too.
She wasn't ashamed of who she was.
She wasn't defined by her looks.
And she sure as hell wasn't defeated.

This is my aunt.
She survived cancer.
Twice.
Two different places in her little human body. 
Thyroid and brain.
She's been through enough.

And you know what she said to me after all this?

"Own your situation because it is what it is."

i grow fonder everyday

We don't sleep anymore. My body and brain have decided staying up all night is much more fun than sleeping. We think about moving out and college and working and money and boys and tv shows and church and life. We enjoy our thoughts. After all, these are exciting thoughts. Our favorite thought is that all of these things don't worry us anymore like they used to. We're just ecstatic and counting down the days. Not gonna lie, summer needs to end now.

I'm fed up with goodbyes, I'm just ready for hello.

all it does is slow me down

I'm secretly a hoarder. I'm the type of person who keeps every note every soul has taken their time to write me,  I have clothes from freshman year hanging in my closet, every program from every play I have gone to since I was 15, I keep everything.

Fortunately, moving causes me to desensitize myself from my past lives. As part of preparing for my new adventure,  I've been dejunking my closet,  DI-ing clothes, trashing pointless notes...letting go of my past. It's quite relieving.

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor yearn vainly for yesterdays, no matter how good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from, not be lived in" 

-Jeffrey R. Holland

So instead of packing up old artifacts, I'll box up the lessons I've learned and tow those around. I find it funny that the closer growing up gets, the scarier it is. But it's a thrill I'm ready to face. I'm excited for what the future has in store.

you put on quite a show

I remember when I was a kid, there were 40-50 first place ribbons hanging on my wall.  None of them belonged to me. They were all my sister's. I had probably 6 ribbons. They were all participation.

Looking at all those ribbons and thinking how stupid she was for liking her ninth place ribbon the best. It was black and it was beautiful but was ninth. She had an abundance of blue, red and white ribbons.

I remember when she started dancing. Everyone knew she was just copying our aunt, Tristan. I thought that was stupid too. I will never know why, but I was so jealous when my mom made her that green/black ballroom dress. She always had her dance friends over and they always made me laugh. Then she got really good, and I just wondered why I didn't have any passions or talents like her.

She won medals and trophies,  all I got a letter grade on a piece of paper. It didn't make sense.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes as I lay in bed at night, I feel so overwhelmed. She left big shoes to fill. She went to college, did full on student government, went to hair school, worked at Old Navy, and somehow managed to still be my best friend.

When I didn't get the scholarship she got, I was upset. I was supposed to be "the leader," and she took that too I was on student government twice! And I was the yearbook editor-n-chief! I was the Laurel's, Miamaid AND Beehives president. Not gonna lie, I thought I had leadership down. I left that interview feeling confident as ever. After getting shot down, I was reminded of my days of gazing at all those colorful ribbons on the wall.

She always tells me I am prettier and have better hair. She was never surprised when I got asked to, as she put it,  another dance. She gladly came and made me beautiful for all of those. She is surely jealous of my amazing singing talent. About once ever few weeks,  I send her a video of me singing "Take A Bow" by Rhianna. It's pretty fantastic.

Sisters get jealous. It's human nature. They fight. They steal each others clothes without asking-- no matter how many times the other person says they must ask before taking their clothes. And they bring each other up when the going gets rough. And if you have my sister, they buy you an owl ring or earring for you to wear for each of your school dances that you never wear and buy the gift for Mother's Day and say it's from all of the kids. She gave me $24 dollars exactly for graduation because I graduated on the 24th. She cuts my hair and buys me tacos.

She's my best friend. Sure she screws up sometimes and embarrasses me in front of boys. We're two completely different people but because we're sisters, it just works so perfectly. She's just like my mom. And our family is still trying to figure out where I am from.

I pray that I set as good of an example little Puffs as Sensen has to me.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I love her.

i found god

I think even the coldest of hearts, the richest of men, the proud and noble--everyone-- has had a moment where they need to believe in something bigger than themselves. I believe, we all have our times where we need a God to lift our burdens and remove our struggles. I wouldn't doubt that all men, at some point, call out to a being above to aid them in one way or another. Everyone needs God. 

I have always been a religious person. For as long as I remember, I've been an active member of my church. I have been taught to pray and read my scriptures, to not judge others, to forgive, and love one another. I know to trust in the Lord, and have faith in him. I've been fortunate enough to know of God and develop a personal belief that He is. 

Like everyone, I have moments when the world gets in the way. I become too tired to actively seek God through prayers and scripture study. Often, I justify gossip and struggle to forgive one who has crossed me. I fight with my loved ones, I envy those better than me. Although I have been taught correct principles and morals, I'm only a human being trying to make it in this cold, dark world. 

But no matter how far I seem to get from home, I'm always drawn back to Him. I have moments where I need God. It seems to be in the darkest of night, and the coldest of the hours, where He has come to me and offered his loving arms and warmest embrace.

 I haven't had the hardest life. I've definitely had my struggles, but overall it's been good. I've always had a place to call home, food to eat, no one close to me has ever died. I never struggled in school. Making friends has been relatively easy and I rarely struggled with fitting in. Despite these things, instances have come where I have needed Him. 

Sometimes, I need God because I lose focus on a test in school. Countless times, he's been there for me. I need Him when I have to face fears of a scary roller coaster, or when a driver is rough around the edges. I'm pretty sure when I first started driving, I prayed for God each time I got into a vehicle. I have needed God the most in my restless hours of the night. Those nights when my stomach is aching or head is pounding, when I coughing never ceases or my throat is swollen. It seems to me that I need God the most when I am sick.

I'm grateful for those moments when God reminds us that we need something bigger than  ourselves and that we just can't make it on our own. The best part is, we don't have to.

this is too much for me to hold

Facing fears and letting go.

It was time. 

sit down, it's just a talk

#3 English Classes

Especially AP English last year.  Ms. Van Orden changed my life and so did the many people I met in my English classes over the years. And it's because of these people and classes, that I want to be an English teacher.

nothing ever lasts forever

“Growing up is never straight forward. There are moments when everything is fine, and other moments where you realize that there are certain memories that you'll never get back, and certain people that are going to change, and the hardest part is knowing that there's nothing you can do except watch them.” 

 -Alden Nowlan

you'll never be what is in your heart

You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you.

sorrow found me when i was young

"It's one of those things that people say,' you can't move on until you let go of the past'. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow" 

-Grey's Anatomy 

where did i go wrong?

Sometimes you need to lose all faith in humanity. Trust no one. Spend moments alone. Sometimes you need to sink below. You need to let go. Stop letting those hurtful words echo in your ears. And sometimes, in the middle of all of it, in the midst of the confusion and chaos, you find yourself. Take a good long look into your mirror. Recognize that you are enough. This is it. Cut all loose ends, now opened the new horizon. Build new foundations, create new ledges and jump. It's your life. Stop living it for anyone but yourself.

Be proud of who you are, despite what anyone else thinks.

i'll admit, that i was glad that it was over.

I don't think it has been a secret that it's been an interesting two and a half years with him. He was my best friend, He  turned into a guy I didn't want to see, or talk to. I was done. But we were so connected. It always seemed to work out. We were always there, in the middle of the weirdness and the disasters, there we were together again. But we've changed. Both of us. Not just the obvious changes, the ones deep down. I thank him for all that he has done for me, we've just grown so far apart. Distant. It won't be the same. I hope for the best in his life. Sometimes in life we verbally say our goodbyes. Sometimes words can't speak what the heart is feeling. So you say nothing at all and feel deep down what you both are feeling. .

Here's to you, Jake Knell. It's been a great, miserable, wonderful few years. But this is goodbye.
Always and forever, Dondra the Bunny Rabbit.

People change. Feeling change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.